Dealing with a bad race: A how-to guide

After my failed race Sunday, I expected to spend the rest of the day like this.

But, it turns out I didn't. Here's my how to tips for staying positive after a bad race.

Tip #1: Don't be an asshole

It took awhile to get back to Baltimore, because there was a huge accident. The time went by pretty quickly though, since I had Ashley to chat with. Plus, only assholes complain about traffic because of an accident. Just try to stay thankful that you weren't the one in the accident. 

Tip #2: Eat awesome food

 I'm still not subscribing to the theory that "just finishing is an accomplishment!". Don't get me wrong, it is, especially your first time. But this was my 10th marathon, and at that point, I knew I could cover the distance, and that wasn't what I was going for. So I had no sense of accomplishment. But I did have a major calorie deficit, and PR or not, I planned to fill it with delicious, unhealthy foods.

Eric, my BFF Carolyn, and I went across the street to this amazing Mexican restaurant and Eric tried guacamole for the first time. It was both exciting and terrifying, because the selfless wife part of me wanted his life to be enhanced by learning to like it, and the (much bigger) selfish part of me really likes having any guacamole in the house all to myself.

Verdict: "It tastes like nothing".

You know you ran a marathon when: your husband weighs 100 pounds more than you, you both order the same dinner, and he brings home leftovers. You don't. Beef enchilada and tamale, if you're interested. 

 Tip #3: Wash it all down with wine for good measure.

I don't have a picture, so please accept this one of how our conversation led to getting out a
tape measure to measure heads as proof.

Tip #4 and #5 and #6: Make sure to get in some movement to recover, but don't waste that movement. Kill two birds with one stone and move somewhere with great dessert. Keep really fun company with you at all times.

I did my very important post marathon recovery walk, a full half mile to Baskin Robbins, where I got a gigantic brownie sundae. Once again, Eric had leftovers (he got whatever their version of a McFlurry is, we don't share desserts). Once again, I didn't. 

Bonus tips - make your friends and family take a timer pic with you for your blog. Everyone loves that.

Tip #7: Have a backup race

I'm delusional enough not to be upset, because I can easily fix my cramping and PR at Bob Potts....right?

Tip #7: Marry for love, but ideally a black guy.

This one actually has more to do with recovery. I'm still sore from the race. Not so much when I'm walking around and stuff, but when I try to get on the floor with the kids, I have that "oh crap, I just ran a marathon" feeling in my legs. I definitely need to be rested for another marathon in 11 days, so I took the past two days off, and I may take today too. I know this is shocking in the blog world, but I mean I took it off from any exercise - no crossfit, no barre, no gym, no exercise whatsoever.

I know what you're thinking: I'm taking a big risk, not burning any calories like that! Especially with bikini season around the corner. But for me, it's safe. My husband actually likes it when my ass gets a little bigger. I'm not trying to promote stereotypes, I'm just living by the immortal words of Sir Mix a Lot.

Who would cancel this?

It's an attitude like this that leads me to believe I wouldn't go far as a trophy wife, so luckily I didn't marry for money.

These are clearly genius tips, so I assume this post will be pinned and bookmarked like crazy. I don't really see how, but if you feel I missed something, add on any useful tips in the comments!