Monday, January 19, 2015

Ways my baby is a jerk


Misery loves company. I've read some posts lately complaining about inconsiderate babies doing completely normal baby things that prevent their parents from doing whatever they want, whenever they want, and generally make life as a mom living hell. Wasn't it enough that I had to get FAT creating him?! Here's my list of such offenses so we can all suffer together. 

Needing to eat: I, and everyone I know, only eat 3, maybe 4 times a day at most. This kid eats 8 times daily. Maybe 7 here and there. He even has the audacity to demand food at completely inconvenient times. Like when I want a cup of coffee. Or when I'm hungry and want to sit down to a meal myself. Unacceptable. Apparently the only way for me to have a moment of peace is to pay someone else to deal with him. Why aren't daycares open 7 days a week?


Not even exaggerating, he cries daily. You would think it's his only way to communicate.


Bathroom: Months after birth and he's not even potty trained yet. He is rude enough to dirty a diaper I just put on him. It's clearly on purpose. Often when I have just sat down to relax and I'm forced to get back up and do a second diaper change. Ridiculous.

                                                     ~~ No picture here, for obvious reasons~~
                     
Sleep: He sleeps like a baby, but not in the way that the idiom promised. More like frequently waking up at times when I would like to be sleeping, or when I'm busy. He has the nerve to interrupt my beauty rest at night demanding to eat, be changed, or for no clear reason which I can only attribute to making sure I'm still there after leaving him to go to work all day. DUH, baby, I'm right next door, learn some object permanence already would ya? Then he will engage in nonsense like take a 30 minute nap when I wanted 52 minutes to watch a show on Netflix. Oh I mean um, work.

This photo was taken at 5am. Can you even believe a baby woke us up at such an ungodly hour?
 
Entertainment: Dalton will be four months old friday and I thought that by now I could take a cute photo for Instagram and then he would play quietly by himself in a corner and not bother me. BUT NO. He still demands for me to amuse him and interact with him constantly.

Um, we did not have a baby just to play with him all the time.

What's worse is that based on my observations of my friends' older babies, my nephew, and my own experiences as a first grade teacher, this crap could continue for like, ten years. I didn't sign on for parenting being a 24/7 job. I was thinking it was more like 2 hours a day or so. When can I just work out and browse the internet whenever I feel like it again? Life was so great then.

What totally expected and normal jerky things have your family members done lately? Responses regarding humans only please, not interested in pet stories here at Chocolate is my Life.

Disclaimer - in case you haven't noticed from the rest of my blog, I'm obsessed with my baby and hate leaving him to even go to the grocery store. This post was written tongue in cheek.
 

 

15 comments:

  1. See, you wrote this as satire, but it sounds like "serious" complaints out of another blogger I can think of.

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    1. WHOOO what ass hat would complain about this shit? You have a healthy baby that is functioning. Fuck life.

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    2. Yes...it definitely sounds like the posts from another blogger I am aware of. Don't even get me started on her.

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    3. I'm so out of the loop! I need a clue...Even a "rhymes with".

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    4. It's kind of similar to....broccoli and brownies. And another one I am not clever enough to think of a rhyme or nickname for. Among others.

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    5. JS, the blogger's name rhymes with "feather" and the blog title is a reference to a Disney movie.

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  2. I don't understand- you have to deal with the yucky stuff too, you don't just get a cute little instagram sidekick when it's convenient??? And you're telling me this kid thing is a multi-year commitment?

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    1. It's awful, right? Why didn't anyone warn us of this?!

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  3. Your baby and my baby should hang out sometime.

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  4. i loved this!! i seriously cracked up more than appropriate for work...

    that being said, i honestly love love love how much you love your baby. i hope my future self can be like the type of mom you are : )

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  5. My little nugget is a little jerk sometimes too. But I can't help letting him get away with it. They're too cute.

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  6. Gonna go with your painting only because it's slightly less frou-frou. Which is odd considering your a girl.

    I'd like to thank you because this post reminded me I have chocolate in my desk.

    Also, are you getting the urge to run or race at all? Or is that like, so far out of your mind because...BABY AWESOMENESS! I notice when I take a break (and I don't even have a baby) I don't really miss it.

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    1. And this comment was supposed to go on your last post but email brought me here. Ahh technology.

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