Parenthood - the unexpected (but no poop stories)

So while I do mainly mock and ridicule blog and social media posts, one that I kind of like is what people find is unexpected about life as a parent. So here's some stuff.

1. I'm a billion degrees

Before I was pregnant, I was the freak show shivering in a sweatshirt in August. Being pregnant pretty much caught me up to the temperature of those around me. Today, I went to the grocery store in a tank top and shorts and was totally comfortable. As I looked around in the checkout line, I realized everyone else was in pants, long sleeves, and occasionally jackets. So that's different.

2. I thought I did strength training while pregnant to prepare to constantly carry my baby

I was wrong. What I really needed those bicep curls for was to arm wrestle my baby. I thought the Twilight series was just a guilty pleasure, but it turns out they were right about newborns having superior strength. The other thing about newborns that I've learned is that they fight their own survival. This kid will yank his food source out of his mouth and start sucking his fist instead, and no amount of explanation from us will convince him that no nutrition is available that way. You would think it would be easy for me, as an adult, to just take his fist away, but no. It is not easy.

Looks innocent, but he's secretly a bodybuilder.

3. Babies don't read

Specifically, the baby books and the baby item product reviews. Kara was nice enough to pass down her Rock and Play. It's the Rolls Royce of baby beds. In fact, if you google ways to help a two week old sleep, like 95% of the responses say to buy a Rock and Play. Try it. Dalton isn't so convinced, and really prefers to sleep on one of us. I can't really blame him though, his father is renowned for his hugs.

They are both pretty awesome.

4. The night is dark and filled with (even worse) terrors

I went into pregnancy with a crippling fear of needles, and I got out of it with five tries to put an IV in and a needle in my spine and I didn't completely succumb to panic. I was patting myself on the back for becoming slightly less phobic due to all those blood draws in the past nine months. Well, the joke was on me, because it turns out that things can get much worse than dealing with a fear of needles getting stuck into you. After pregnancy, people want to stick needles into your baby.

I haven't even really dealt with it yet. He got his post-birth tests/blood draws when I was cracked out on morphine and didn't even know what was happening. Then he got his follow up PKU test last week, and I left and hid in the bathroom and ran the water so I couldn't hear anything (Eric stayed). I might do the same for the one month vaccines. I realize this is a prime opportunity for people to say "just wait until ___", and I realize I will have to deal with it someday, but today is not that day.

5. I don't need to know lullabies

One of the weird ass things I got nervous about towards the end of pregnancy was not knowing any songs to sing Dalton to sleep. It turns out babies don't care, and you can sing Katy Perry instead of Rock a Bye baby, and it works just fine.

6. I don't always hate physical contact

I'm renowned for hating hugs, and generally touching of any kind. Two people sent me this article. But I often have to force myself to stop hugging and cuddling this guy. I never want to not be snuggling with him.

He's just so squishy and kissable.

7. Not all infants are boring.

They're all so cute. But let's face it - as great as it is to hold other people's kids, they don't do much. Especially at this age. Adorable, but not interesting. Unless it's your own kid. Then every yawn, sneeze, and blink is fascinating. Really. I have actually watched a video of him hiccupping when I missed him while he was sleeping. This one isn't technically that unexpected, because I'm the same way with my nephew. I'm including it though because it was something that concerned me before I became an aunt.

8. Mommy brain is worse than pregnancy brain

This is also something people warned me about, but I'm including it anyway because if you actually listen to everything people warn you about while pregnant you'll definitely lose your mind. I'm also including it because the actual #8 came to me while I was working on this post, and I grabbed my phone to record it in the notes section with the rest of the items on the list. Literally by the time I unlocked the phone I had lost the thought, and I swear I do not just throw the word "literally" around unless I mean it.

9. I became a caricature of a mom. It happened before I expected.

I got really brave today and we went for our first outing (a walk down our street) just the two of us, mother and son. I got the diaper changed, put Dalton in a fresh, cute outfit, and brought the baby carrier out and started to put it on, announcing "ok, we're all ready to go on our walk!". Yeah, one of us wasn't ready. One of us was in a spit up stained nursing tank, pajama shorts, and had hair sticking up like a cartoon character who just stuck a finger in an outlet. Full disclosure - I put on a headband and pants, but the spit up tank remained.

I had another one about poop but there's enough of that on the internet, and I wouldn't want someone blogging about my bathroom habits, so maybe I should give my kid the same consideration.

Unrelated - if you are interested in reading and reviewing my aunt's book (I posted about it yesterday), or really, if you don't know if you are interested, you can read the first chapter on her blog. It's a fantastic dystopian novel.

What was unexpected about a major life change for you?

 

Entertainment

Having a newborn is weird, in terms of time. One minute I'm pouring a cup of coffee at 8am and then I look at the clock and it's like 6:30 at night and I'm wondering where the day went. It's also confusing how I once worked out, worked a full day, and possibly did errands and made dinner in this time, and now I've just watched a lot of daytime TV and barely fit in a shower. But then I remind myself that I kept a tiny person alive using only my own body, and give myself a gold star and move on.

This outfit. I can't stand it.  

Similarly, even though a baby is all consuming in terms of time, he is not all consuming in terms of intellectual stimulation. Unlike caring for an older child, or really any other task on earth, your ass is glued to the couch like 82% of the day. Not complaining. I could watch him yawn, blink, stretch, and look around all day long. I even have an adorable video of him doing these things, but I'm not posting it, because generally only the parents are fascinated by this. The problem is, at this point, he's only awake to entertain me like 7% of the day. (The other 11% of time is accounted for by sleeping and feeding myself.)

When he's not eating, there's a lot of this going on.

My husband captioned this "you cut off your face because you know what people want to see now".

Cuddling with him while he naps is glorious. But it's not fascinating. I need a little extra entertainment.

I mentioned we started watching The Strain. Well, On Demand really screwed us there. We were like 45 minutes into an episode when Dalton woke up and needed our attention, so we stopped it. When we went back to it later that night, you apparently can't fast forward? We were forced to sit there and replay nearly the whole episode on mute like total chumps. I realize this is a major First World Pain, but it happened and it's real.

Just felt like it was time for a cute picture break.

Since then we've been gun shy with serious dramas, and focusing more on sitcoms. Partially because they are shorter, partially because they just require less brain power and attention. We even decided to start A-Z last night, and watched episode 2 followed by episode 1, because numbers are hard. It didn't really affect our enjoyment. We also watched Black-ish, and actually laughed out loud.

I also spend a lot of time reading on my kindle, particularly during middle of the night feeds. I'm obsessed with Kristin Hannah's books right now. She's in the same genre as Jodi Picoult, in my opinion, whatever you want to call that genre. It's a step above total garbage chick lit (which I do enjoy), but well below complicated, Game of Thrones level literature. Just the right level for me to read at 3am and still comprehend.

I guess food isn't technically entertainment, but it's important. As promised, we tried the Little Caesar's pretzel crust pizza.

Verdict - you probably can't do better for a $6 dinner for two, but it's nothing life changing. It falls into that odd category of combining two delicious things (pizza and pretzels) and the whole is less delicious than the parts. I think I would have been happier with just eating crazy bread for dinner. Next up on our pizza tasting: the Pizza Hut bacon crust.

 

 

In our numerous hours of television viewing, we saw a commercial for these.

Apparently I'm not as up on innovations in the taco world as I thought I was, because I was shocked and amazed, but Eric informed me these stand up tacos have existed for years. How did I not know about these? I was so upset. Eric made a taco bar using them for dinner for me to cheer me up, and they were all I hoped for and more.



He even cooked during Sunday football!

Anyone else who likes to read for entertainment, and also likes free stuff, here's something for you. I mentioned awhile ago that my aunt wrote a book, and she let me read it as her beta reader to offer her feedback. I said that I was kind of terrified of that responsibility, because it might be really awkward if I hated it, especially since I'm a terrible liar (the Carrie Bradshaw/Berger analogy) but luckily I actually loved it. It's being published on Amazon! I'm going to reread the final version (so now you know it's good, because I could easily just pull the new mother card and say I was too busy), and she's looking for others to read it and leave reviews when it is published on November 30. If anyone wants to read and review it, just email her at lmillerconnect@gmail.com and she can send you the e-book. And also let me know because I love discussing books!

Here's the description:

The Girl With the Half and Half Face

By Leslie Miller

Defying the Core Has Consequences . . .

Eighteen-year-old Kayli-el is part of a new, evolving species on her planet, with an internal guidance called the Core. After her teacher is murdered for its secrets, Kayli-el runs for her life, right into the arms of Tamber, a boy who’s crossed the ocean on a mysterious quest . . . to find her! When the killers capture her best friend Serene, Kayli-el faces a choice with potentially deadly consequences: follow her Core’s wisdom and flee across the ocean to safety with Tamber, or defy her own guidance to try and save Serene’s life.  

What's your main source of entertainment right now? Also, let's share opinions on new fall TV shows.

Four things Thursday

1. I fully admit to being dumb and trying to do too much too early and not letting myself recover. I really appreciate everyone who has had a c-section commenting and sharing their experience and saying nice things. I went to my doctor today for my follow up and asked her about what I could and couldn't do, and I summed up her advice as "don't be dumb". She agreed. I will now work on not being dumb. (For the record, my husband did offer to clean the floors but I felt bad since he's already doing everything and did it myself anyway. Dumb.)

2. I'm now allowed to drive again! Although I don't really want to go anywhere, as I have everything I need at home.

But now I can. Luckily for me I'm not really one prone to cabin fever. I'm perfectly happy to have a week of snow days where I don't see the outside world other than through the window. That mentality works out pretty well while caring for your first brand new baby. We did stop at Trader Joes on the way back from the doctor, and I got a few groceries. It was my first time going to a place that wasn't a doctor's office. It doesn't really count since I went in alone while Eric and Dalton stayed in the car, but still. But it was exciting to be in a grocery store and be like "Now I can eat whatever I want!"

3. I made a pregnancy/baby page with all the posts I wrote about pregnancy. There were more than I thought, so I figured I might as well catalogue them. It's been a project spanning several days. I also saved all my pregnancy posts as word documents during the process so I can look back on them someday when Blogger is but a memory. If I'd been smart, I would have been doing this all along, possibly with all my posts. But I'm not smart.

Shocking, I know.

4. I made lactation cookies. I didn't even know this was a thing.

The ingredients that make the magic happen.

Supposedly it works, so, best case scenario, you help your baby, worst case scenario, you just eat cookies. It's a win win. They are cooling now, so I'll report back on the taste (but there's butter and sugar and chocolate chips, so I feel it's safe to say they will be delicious).

I guess they don't actually look like much. Too bad you can't smell them.

One more thing -We are committed to trying the Little Caesars pretzel crust pizza tonight, so hopefully I can report back on that as well. Who said the romance dies when you become parents? We're still living life in the fast lane, clearly.

 

Would you get cabin fever never leaving your home, or are you more like me and could take or leave the outside world?

Wardrobe after baby

Ok, I've been thinking about how I want this blogging thing to go while my life is nothing but baby. I think I just want to make sure its nothing like the articles I see posted multiple times a day on Facebook, which generally have the tone of "865 reasons having a baby sucks".

This just in... it doesn't.

I mentioned these while I was pregnant, because I had to abstain from them eventually. The one that put me over the edge was really condescending towards the "naïve pregnant woman", basically like "you dumbass, you think your baby will be fun, THINK AGAIN". I'm not saying I'm not still completely naïve, after all, it's only been two weeks. But with articles like that - as the ignorant pregnant lady, being excited like a total dummy, what's the takeaway?. I mean, once the kid is in your belly, you're kind of locked in to taking him or her home. It's not like I can read about how I'll be sleep deprived and covered in spit up and then be like .... nah. I'd like to opt out please. Even now, no matter how hard it gets, guess what? I still have to do it!

Once you wave goodbye to your helpers, you're stuck with the kid.

Anyway, I can only base things on my experience, but it seems to me that any pregnant woman who has a mother, or friend, or sibling, or coworker, or even just seen a stranger with an infant, knows that caring for a baby isn't easy. Even every basic sitcom shows this in at least one episode. I'm not sure who thinks we need all these "eye opening" articles on the internet.

So that's my goal. If anyone wants to read a bunch of complaints, just check out Facebook, or email me, and I can direct you to a number of whiny mommy blogs. And if I get whiny, please call me out.

Ok, with that said, now I'm going to complain.

Not about this fancy little gentleman though.

Just about the method of getting him out. Granted I have no basis for comparison, and I'm sure any sort of birth results in some not so fun after effects. But recovering from a c section is annoying. It was manageable in the first few days, but now it's the same and I'm over it. I'm still in no hurry to exercise, but I'd like to be able to wash my legs in the shower without pain. The tricky part is a lot of things feel fine in the moment, and then I pay later.

We went on a 20-30 minute walk on Sunday, and I'm talking barely a shuffle. Like we probably could have taken Dalton out of the stroller and let him scoot along beside us and he could have kept up. By the end, my incision was killing me. I decided I just need to wait until I see my doctor for my 2 week follow up appointment tomorrow before any more walking.

He is so tiny and barely fits in any newborn clothes, so on his walk we dressed him up in this hilarious mismatched froggy pjs and hoodie.

Tuesday, I thought I could clean the bathroom and kitchen floors (and these rooms in our apartment are the tiniest possible version of a bathroom and kitchen that still fits the basics like a toilet and an oven, it's like a ten minute job), and once again was in a world of hurt afterwards.

One thing that really shocked me is that I don't have any staples or anything that needs to be removed, just these strips that (supposedly) will fall off themselves, and then I wear a binder around my midsection. Essentially I have scotch tape and a girdle keeping my organs inside. I only looked at the incision once in the hospital because it freaks me the hell out that it's a cut down to my insides and I can't handle that thought. The binder is really hot and irritating, but it keeps me together and I don't have to get staples removed.

So beautiful.

On the sunny side, I'm insanely lucky that our school district allows for 6 weeks of paid paternity leave. I finally wised up and laid on the couch while Eric made dinner.

Wardrobe after baby: robes, pajamas... and that's about it.

I have no clue how single mothers or military wives or anyone does this alone. Also, I have no idea how people do this with older children. That right there explains why people want VBACs to me. We've also had amazing family and friends doing everything from cooking/bringing meals for us, unloading the dishwasher, bringing over gifts, and just coming over and calming down the baby since we're still learning how.

Kara and Cordelia gave us a swaddling lesson.

 

Don't let her blog fool you. Cordelia was an adorable perfect angel and stroked Dalton's head in a way that would melt anyone's heart.

 

Just because there are never enough daddy/baby napping pics. Everyone loves those.

So another thing I mocked during my pregnancy was push presents. I thought they were the dumbest idea ever. Well, apparently one time towards the end, Eric went to a work happy hour and everyone was shocked that he hadn't gotten me one. Once he stopped thinking they were just messing with him and was convinced push presents were a real thing, he freaked out and left immediately and went to the mall.

 

He found a gift he thought I would like, and, smart man that he is, ordered it on amazon on his phone from the mall, because that way was cheaper.

The joke gift - I collect coffee mugs.

The real gift ... it's hard to see but it's a mother and baby.

And who doesn't want a baby face in the picture?

 The best part is I didn't even have to push to get it! I haven't really been wearing the necklace yet because newborns have super human strength and could probably lift a car if push came to shove, so I'm not tempting him with a necklace. But someday I'll be forced to go somewhere without him and it will be terrible, so wearing the necklace will be an incentive.

 

What did you mock for being dumb but turned out to be great?

Moms who have had c sections - fill me in on whether I'm just being a wimp or when I'll be able to do basic things without pain.

 

 

I don't miss you, exercise

Once upon a time I thought I liked exercising. Every time in the past I had to abstain due to injury or illness, I missed it desperately. Especially running. I use the Timehop app (it tells you everything you ever posted to social media on today's date in past years) to take a little walk down memory lane each morning. It's always like "once you ran 8 miles!" and I'm like "who would do that? That sounds insane!".

I started following as many blogs as I could of people due around the same time as me while pregnant. Now all the babies are out and all the bloggers are like "OMG can't wait to RUUUUUNNNNN skinny jeans and getting my diet under control yayyyyy!". And I'm over here like "Eric, bring me another cookie". I miss exercise.... zero.

In other news, I'm not a completely different person. I baked cookies. Pumpkin white chocolate snickerdoodles. Because the five bags of candy and two packages of pumpkin spice Oreos people have brought me weren't enough.

I had to zoom in to cover up how many are already gone.

The weather was really nice last week, so we took the stroller and Dalton out on an inaugural walk. At first he loved it. Then he slept. Then he hated it and we rushed home.

Still considering before forming an opinion.

Friday was better. He hated it only for a few minutes. Both times we walked to Chic-Fil-A because they had free iced coffee all week.

Deep conversations while they waited for me to get my coffee.

So far, my proudest postpartum accomplishment is getting the free coffee 6/7 days. I would have hit 100% but they ran out on Wednesday.

I liked getting out, and would have continued the tradition, but on Saturday my incision was really sore, so I decided to revert to letting others do everything for me (like going to Chic-fil-a for my iced coffee). It was just as well, because we had a big day scheduled.

First, it was Dalton's turn to wear this amazing onesie. If you don't get it, click this link, read this post, or just appreciate the adorableness of father/son matching outfits.

Matching poses too - I die

Then Dalton met his best friend, Nathan. It was his first time meeting another baby. They were both born on their due dates, exactly four months apart!

Just check out that head comparison

 

I babysat Nathan a few weeks before Dalton was born, and then, he seemed like a normal baby size to me. After spending a week and a half with my little 6-7 pound peanut, Nathan suddenly seemed huge. I was holding him and felt inappropriate, like I was holding an adult or something, or like I was Gulliver holding a baby, but a baby in the land of the giants. I cannot believe a baby can grow that much in four months.

Shortly after our playdate, my dad arrived from New York. Dalton has now officially met all his grandparents!

He even woke up for a little of the visit!

I'm not saying it's THE reason to have a baby, but if you are on the fence, just consider that unless you are actually rich, like really rich, it's the closest you'll probably ever get to a life of leisure.  I haven't made myself a single meal since he was born, unless you count putting delicious food others have made in the microwave. Carolyn and John brought us lunch from Chic-Fil-A for our baby playdate. My dad brought all the ingredients for his famous jambalaya, and not only made it for us, but cleaned everything up too. And he even brought over Wegmans bagels and coffee for breakfast this morning.

All you have to do is trade some sleep. Well worth it.

Too little to fit into pants, so it's a family pj party up in here.

Would you rather have someone cook or clean for you full time? It's hard to say, because I like cooking and hate cleaning, but on the other hand, cleaning can be put off, while eating is essential. I'd go with a full time maid if forced to choose, though.

 

The first week - random thoughts

 
I definitely never intended to write a "mommy blog" (and back when I started blogging, kids weren't even remotely on the horizon and I would have never guessed I'd keep it up so long! TWSS). Hopeful it won't stay a mommy blog forever, but right now, that's kind of all that I have. I'm on maternity leave, recovering from surgery, and caring for a newborn. I guess I could blog about current events or something, but let's be honest, the rest of the world is much less interesting to me right now.

Kind of all I care about currently.

We came home from the hospital on Saturday, when Dalton was four days old.

Getting ready for his world début!

 

We were in the hospital an extra hour waiting for a wheelchair. That I had to walk over and get in to. Policy, I guess.

 

The hospital was pretty sweet, but I was weirdly excited to “introduce” him to his home. Because he totally knew the difference.

 

Welcome home! See how psyched he is?

He got to meet 4/5 of his grandparents right away! My dad is coming this weekend to complete things.

 

 

My mom and stepfather stayed with us until Tuesday, and it was amazing. I basically did nothing but cuddle with and feed Dalton, and they cooked us gourmet level meals and cleaned the kitchen. Actually, even after the sad goodbye, we're still on that plan because they left us plenty of extras. 

 
We are now on day 9 of his life, and have spent one full day caring for him all by ourselves (so expert level now, obviously). Here’s a random collection of thoughts about it.

 

1. Anyone who knows me knows that next to needles, there's nothing I hate more than hugs and inspirational, cheesy quotes and clichés. That said, it turns out that all that crap about motherhood being a love like you've never known and being instantly infatuated with your kid is true. Who knew?

 

Home in time to cheer the Ravens to victory.

2. Obviously a week or so is nothing and my feelings can change at any moment (especially on all these hormones), but I would rate the past week as approximately the best of my whole life. I'm excluding the day in labor since he was actually in my life for less than 45 minutes of that day, and the next day of nothing but a drug filled haze.It's up there with our honeymoon. Clearly in a different way, the honeymoon was great in more of a relaxing, fruity tropical drink filled way, but in terms of pure happiness, they're pretty comparable.

3. My stomach is so soft and squishy. I don't know if that's what normal stomachs feel like and I just got used to it being super hard because a baby butt was pressing out, or if that's just part of the healing process. What non-pregnant women feel like letting me feel their bellies to compare?

4. I painted my toenails! It didn't even hurt or cause me to breathe like I was winning the 100 yard dash! It turns out that a lot of the things that you look forward to when not pregnant (rolling over in bed, going from sitting to standing, and picking things up off the floor without all of the above being an ordeal, mainly) aren't in place right away when recovering from a c section. So the toenails were a huge victory. How about instead of a gross foot pic, we enjoy another adorable baby shot?

He's a "first bath by inept new parents" survivor.

5. I finally get why people say it's hard to lose the baby weight. Because people bring you delicious food. Just yesterday we had three sets of visitors. One brought a gift card for takeout, one brought an awesome toy, and the last brought delicious macaroni and cheese for dinner. I have a giant stack of candy on my dining room table that people have brought me, including five large bags of M&Ms (candy corn, peanut butter, and pumpkin spice, in case you were curious). On a scale of 1-10, I'm upset about this -5. My philosophy has always been that many, many things taste better than skinny feels. One of them is macaroni and cheese.

6. Two things that I thought were hyperbolic descriptions.

• That scene on Friends after Rachel has her baby when she's looking at her sleeping and is like "I actually miss her right now".
• People telling me that you will lose so much self consciousness in the hospital that you can be breastfeeding and tell the janitor to come on in.

Turns out neither one of these is an exaggeration. Both 100% accurate.

7. We had our first outing yesterday, to the pediatrician. Dalton has surpassed his birth weight, and gained even more than the recommended amount. I was super excited over this, which means I've officially entered lame mom territory. Even more exciting, that means we don't have to wake him every two hours to eat anymore. Something I didn't realize is that "every two hours" isn't really two hours, because it's start of feeding to start of next feeding. So if he eats at 1am -1:30 am, and goes back to sleep at 1:45am, you need to wake him back up to eat at 3am. Again, I don't mean that as a complaint, because I was honestly just so happy that he was eating well. But it's exciting to let him call the shots now!

8. We were only a slight mess leaving the house. One lesson I learned was that you are supposed to apply deodorant under your sleeve. It doesn't work on top of clothing.

Eric insisted that picture make the blog

Lesson #2: It takes a little longer to prepare to leave the house with a baby. I thought I had enough time to get ready and get both of us fed. No. I barely had time to feed him and incorrectly apply that deodorant.

We got the baby in the car, pulled out, and then I realized "hey, we have a baby now! We're supposed to bring the diaper bag with us!". Luckily we hadn't gone far and could go back and get it and still be on time. Not surprisingly, it turned out to be extremely necessary.

9. We started watching The Strain. Creepy vampire violence. You can't go wrong.

Best week of your life. Go.

 

 

 

Mom report card, according to the internet

I'm officially a mom now, except that's weird, so maybe somebody could fill me in on how long it takes to get used to that title?

As we all know, I spent a lot of time during pregnancy reading mom blogs and birth stories. Most pregnancy/mommy blogs are written by people who know the right way to create, carry, and birth a baby, and like every woman, I strive to emulate them. It's time to put my teacher skills to use, even on maternity leave, and grade myself based on all that reading.

1. Staying active during pregnancy: A+

I worked out 6 days almost every single week, and clearly that makes me better than almost every other woman on earth, ever. I lost count of how many people attributed my smooth pregnancy to exercise, and how many people promised me an easy, fast delivery for the same reason. I always maintained both of those were just luck of the draw. I don't know what I did to make the pregnancy gods smile on me like crazy, but I don't think it was the fact that I read a magazine on the elliptical regularly. And all those quality hours with my bump on the treadmill with Buffy or in spin class sure didn't get me that easy, fast delivery.

2. An unmedicated, natural birth: FFF

That's right, triple Fs. I get the first for not even attempting that torture. If it were up to me, I would have had that epidural in on the first contraction. I further failed by being strep B positive, and needing antibiotics upon arrival at the hospital. Then, I agreed (readily) to use Pitocin to speed things up. I was medicated all around!

The ultimate fail was delivering via C-section. Totally unnatural. Let's talk about how guilty and sad I feel as I mourn that experience. That's a big fat zero. I firmly believe everyone is entitled to their feelings (and I've certainly had my share of irrational ones), but for me, a healthy baby truly was the only goal. All's well that ends well and I look back on that day with nothing but happiness (well, I do still shudder at the contraction part a bit).

3. Skin to skin time: F

I might as well not even bother trying to mother this kid, because the internet has been quite clear that skin to skin time after birth is the be all and end all for motherhood. I looked forward to that precious moment when your baby is finally placed on your chest and you experience that love like you've never known just as much as any mom - to - be.  I had that moment, but right after delivery, when I was strung out on painkillers, the room was spinning, and I couldn't move or feel anything but my head, well, that wasn't it. Actually, it's not even my fault, because I totally could have still had skin to skin time while I was getting stitched up if someone spotted me. The problem was my son was too "busy" receiving "life saving interventions" and didn't have time to cuddle up with dear old mom right away. RUDE.



So busy moments after birth. Whatever.

4. Eating healthy nonstop except for very few instances that I can reasonably blame 100% on cravings from the fetus and not my own crack in my perfect willpower - Big Fat F

I had my fair share of healthy meals, and my pregnancy brain led me to accidentally buy organic or low fat versions of things more than normal (truly accidental, like I was too dumb to read labels correctly). But as I've documented extensively, I enjoyed plenty of burgers, fries, delicious desserts, and many other foods for fatties while pregnant. Guess who wanted all those things? It sure as hell wasn't the fetus the size of an orange. In fact, I eat all that stuff even when I don't have an innocent little friend growing in my womb to blame it on. I'll even continue to now! And I'm going to let Dalton eat sugar! Not three times a day every day until we end up on the Biggest Loser, but life without fries and chocolate isn't worth living in my humble opinion.

5. Pregnancy weight  gain - C

The largest point

I don't really understand why this number is something that I see shared on blogs all the time. Never mind, I do, because what's the point of only eating organic kale chips and fruit for dessert (or gross crap like Artic Zero) if you don't have a super low pregnancy weight gain to smugly brag about? I gave myself a C because mine was solidly in the healthy range, and if you aren't my doctor or my husband, it's none of your damn business. I thought that went without saying, but then people ask. And don't drop it when I try to politely decline sharing.

I will say one thing that I wished I had known a few months ago. I gained way more weight than you are supposed to in the first tri (no morning sickness was sweet!) and was starting to freak out that I would gain 75 pounds and be delivering a 12 pound baby. It all evened out by the end though, and my doctor was never concerned, so if that happens to you, don't stress over it!

6. Post partum weight loss - NA

Well, I've weighed myself every day since the birth, and taken stomach progress pictures, and developed a complicated post partum exercise plan that involves a minimum of 3 daily workouts beginning when my baby is 2.5 weeks old, and started charting my calories through daily mile, but I TOTALLY don't actually care about losing the baby weight!



I read that statement "I'm not thinking about the baby weight at all" a lot, but I actually mean it. I have not done any of those things. I'm not saying that will be true forever, but a week out, I'm strictly following my recovery plan of snuggling with my baby as much as humanly possible. And blogging, because Eric wants some cuddle time too.

Here's what I'm actual doing:

• I'm positive I lost at least 6 lbs, 14 oz so far.

One step closer to my skinny jeans without this dead weight.

My mom made me a ton of delicious food, and I'm eating all of it.

Leftover chicken marsala and lasagna for dinner

Pumpkin cream cheese chocolate chip bread for dessert



• Today we walked down the stairs (we live in a third floor apartment) to say goodbye to my parents, and then we took a walk down the street. I didn't time it, but I'd estimate 4-5 minutes.
• I don't mean to brag but.... my pre-pregnancy pajama pants already fit again.

7. Gratuitous belly pictures: B-

Eh, I could have done better, but I kind of loved being pregnant and felt the need to document here and there. But I always kept my shirt on and never subjected the internet to my pale flesh, so there's that. And I think I kept it to a minimum.

8. Breastfeeding: A

Let's hope I didn't jinx anything, we are only a week in and it's good! I'm not sure why everyone and their mom leans in confidentially to say "nobody tells you this, but babies get night and day confused" like they're dropping a huge knowledge bomb. I could have actually used some of that information that nobody tells you about breastfeeding. Like the fact that sometimes it requires all four hands (from me and Eric) to prevent him from eating his hands instead, because he's much stronger than any mortal baby should be. But we're tag teaming it, so we are able to out-wrestle him like 80% of the time. Also, other stuff that doesn't belong on the internet.

9. Sleep deprivation: A

Get ready for me to rock your world - newborns need constant care! Even overnight! You can't just have one and then sleep all night! Brand new information, right? Well, it's kind of what we signed up for when we decided to become parents, so excuse me if I don't write a whole post where I'm a whiny little bitch about it. Besides, I'd much rather stare at this face at 3am than just be up with pregnancy insomnia (or general insomnia), or taking my temperature while I was trying to get pregnant.

Not that he sleeps in that hat.

10. The shock of how great a dad my husband is: F

Stick with me. Yeah, he's pretty awesome in general, and exceptionally so at this dad thing so far.



The thing is, the overall tone on these posts is one of shock and awe at this revelation. The fact that he's an incredible father warms my heart, sure, but it doesn't surprise me. Granted, his good looks are mainly the reason I married him, but knowing he'd eventually be a top notch baby daddy was a consideration as well. I feel like there's a lot of low expectations for husbands in the blog world.

11. Eating my placenta: E for EWWWWW

That's nasty, and I'm judging you for it. Sorry I'm not sorry. We need a cute baby palate cleanser now.

 

Getting his hearing test. (He passed!)

Actually, eating placenta is so nasty we need double baby to get it out of our heads.

 Choose a smug blogger edict to grade yourself on. You don't even have to be a teacher! In blogging, everyone is an expert on anything they want to be.