Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Internet abstinance

This is something I've been thinking about doing for awhile now. We all know that in 2014, it's impossible to make any sort of lifestyle change without a sweeping public declaration. Here it is.

I'm done reading internet articles about the wild adventure I'm about to embark on.

I love the internet as much as anyone else. Maybe more. It's been a fabulous time waster on my summer break, and I fully plan to continue liking cute baby pictures, reading the 47 things kids from the 90s miss, and snarking on ridiculous blogs about how CrossFit is better than chocolate, sex, babies, wine, and anything else desirable on this planet, and recipes for kale tacos (I'm not even making that up).

I'm giving up a very specific type of internet-ing. Like all mothers-to-be, I'm curious, in a morbidly fascinated terrified way, about what's coming down the pike. Knowledge is power.

Obviously, there's no shortage of information. In my mom's day, aside from the doctor, you were pretty much relying on what your friends told you. In my case, that in itself is frightening enough. But now I have the option of reading birth stories morning to night, seeing photographs, videos, and the icing on the cake is websites like Baby center, What to Expect and WebMD, etc., to inform me of every possible thing that could or has ever gone wrong, ever.

Then there's the "humorous" side. I don't know if Facebook secretly put me on some "scary" newsfeed track or what. Every day there's more links.
  • "How Labor and Delivery is worse than anything Ramsay Snow ever did to Theon"
  • "349 reasons caring for a newborn is worse than time in a Korean prison camp"
  • "Why having kids is the worst idea ever and should be avoided at all costs"
  • "9 ways kids are dicks" - that one is actually real
I get it, these things are hard. I know I don't actually get it, because if there's one thing everyone seems to agree on, it's that you can't truly fathom what it's like until you do it. But on an intellectual level, I think I get it as much as possible. I don't think reading 200 more scary mommy articles is necessary to drive that point home. Probably, all these posts are hilarious after the fact. I'll get back to you on that.

My guess is that, like most people, I decided I wanted a baby based on a romanticized, idealized view of motherhood. I'm no scientist, but I strongly feel that's a key factor in the continuation of the human race. All this reading is destroying that romanticized view, and I don't really think I want that. I'm taking the newborn care class (we start tomorrow!), I'm reading the books, but aside from that I want to spend the next 9 weeks getting teary eyed daydreaming about playing "this little piggy" with the foot that's currently kicking inside my belly. Instead, all this internet noise is making me dread it.

The other thing is, there's a huge menu of things that can go wrong all along the way. Pregnancy, delivery, breastfeeding, infancy.... they all have tons of risks. And now I'm learning all about all of them, including quite a few I'd never even heard of. I'm prone to quickly descend down the rabbit hole of the worst case scenario anxiety, so this is not good for me. Whatever does go wrong, I'll deal with, obviously, because what other option is there?

With my due date being two months from today (side note OMG), I think it's safe to say I'm out of time for medical science to suddenly develop a fantastic, pain/blood free way of magically transporting your baby from your womb to your loving arms. That means that as much as labor and delivery might suck, there's no way around it, because he has to come out. I'm comfortable with maintaining my state of utter denial until then. Although we begin childbirth classes at the hospital next week, so that may shatter my denial plan.

What's your favorite/least favorite thing about the internet? Do you have anything you specifically avoid?

PS I know I always use Theon/Ramsay as an example, but there's just no better torture scenes I'm aware of. And I'm not posting a gif because it's torturous enough to watch the first time, in my opinion. Also gifs are right up there on my least favorite list right about now, I'm so sick of them.


  1. Sorry for the random comments as of late - I had a baby 3 months ago and I'm enjoying following your blog, even if I'm not blogging anymore... and if it makes you feel better, I found a five-day adventure race to be harder than labor and delivery :)

    1. Congrats on your baby!! So glad you enjoy my random rants/thoughts/anxieties - and I love random comments!

  2. I try to avoid Facebook for a number of reasons:

    -It's a time suck
    -If I'm in a shitty mood, seeing pictures of peoples vacations/weddings/etc. or statuses about how ~*~grateful~*~ they are will make me feel worse...even though I also side eye anyone who is ~*~grateful~*~
    -I have a few relatives who periodically post things that offend me but I can't unfriend them because they're the sort of people who would immediately notice and turn it in A Big Deal.

    1. Some people don't seem to be aware that you can be ~*~grateful~*~ even if you GASP don't talk about it on social media.

  3. I didn't read books or Internet stories. Denial worked well for me.

    1. And the baby still came out? HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE??

  4. I would have thought nothing would shock you after hearing my tales of motherhood during our various runs. :)

  5. I'm not even pregnant yet and I get worked into these panic-inducing frenzies with all of the "what-if" scenarios. i thought that shit was supposed to go away at some point. BOO.

  6. I already avoid most of those types of internet articles/posts/etc. I have appreciated reading some birth stories but I haven't exactly sought them out while pregnant. I'm pretty laid back and know that my experience won't be like anyone else's so there's no point in worrying about it. Women give birth all the time and even have multiple kids, so I'm sure I'll get through it. It sounds like you are preparing as best as you can so try not to get too stressed out about it!

  7. I can't read comment sections on articles (or blogs, but those don't bother me as much) because they make me ragey at all the ignorance/stupidity out there. My husband is a comment reading fool. I don't know how he does it. So basically, unless it's my blog or the comment right above where I'm typing - I won't read it unless I know the person and the name catches my eye.

  8. Facebook makes me lose faith in the human race, or the future of its existence bc I am just baffled by the stupidity. That being said, my biggest fear of getting pregnant is having to tell my MIL she won't be allowed in the delivery room (even tho I want my mom there). I just KNOW this is going to cause a huge issue. Um yeah, I'm not even pregnant yet. But still..

  9. Totally get you on the baby stuff. I think I had to back slowly away from the internet too with my first. (With the second I was obsessively googling "how to go into labor" which was also a gigantic shitshow.)

    I have to avoid the comments on my local news station's facebook page. They represent the absolute worst, lowest common denominator of society and I can't even look without getting furious. Then I inevitably comment myself, and they've got me right where they want me.

    My favorite right now is sctually instagram, if that counts. I only just got a smartphone like yesterday and I'm in mayfair-filtered heaven.

  10. COMMENTS. I hate comments.

    I don't mean the fun Comments on my favorite bloggers' posts. I mean the stupid, thoughtless, racist, misogynist, bigoted comments on "news" articles and such.

    Also, pseudo-science. I hate pseudo-science and would exhaust myself trying to educate The Internet, if my husband didn't have a moderating influence on me.


Thanks for commenting! Comments make me probably more happy than they should.