Thursday, November 12, 2015

Working mom life: sometimes it freaking sucks


I'm having one of those weeks where I'm failing spectacularly at everything. It's not my first rodeo.

Let's just assume the usual disclaimers of the many ways I'm lucky have all been said. True, but not the point of this post.

Being a working mom is hard. I wish I could be all "It's so empowering, yay feminism, I am woman, hear me roar!", and maybe sometimes I am, but now is not that time. Instead, I'm trying to hold down two full time, all consuming jobs simultaneously (one is parenting, if you didn't catch that). That's a recipe for guilt, feelings of failure, and exhaustion. I want to do my job well, but I also want to be a good mother, and guess what? Both of those things require a ton of time. So it sort of seems like they're mutually exclusive.

But look at that mischievous little face!

Yesterday I had to stay late at work to finish report cards and work at an evening event. Luckily, my husband understands that if I don't see my son before bedtime, I would actually crumple up and die. (Exceptions to this rule: meeting my one day old niece, birthing my own second child.) So Eric brought Dalton to school to visit, which was great.

He laid on the floor and ate garlic bread.

Except I still barely got to see him, since I was actually there to, you know, work. I made it home around 7:15, just in time to read Where's Spot before he went down for the night. Then I found myself back on the computer, doing work again, even though I needed to be back there in less than 12 hours. I couldn't manage to catch up on work, and an entire day had passed where I'd barely seen my own child. Not to mention the dishes overflowing in the sink, the toys everywhere, and laundry that (still) needs to be put away (but writing this post is clearly paramount).

That one time I actually cleaned. He was fascinated.

This morning, I pretty much laughed and said "NOPE" when my alarm went off to work out and could barely make it out of bed at the last minute. For the second day in a row. 13 week fetus + 13 month baby + job do not equal a #motherrunner. Although I do feel there's a good hashtag in there somewhere. And on that note, don't think you won't see #twoundertwo constantly on my instagram.

I'll play the pregnancy card to some extent, because I'm freaking exhausted from creating life. Probably how God feels. That is concerning though, because you know what's really tiring? BABIES. So this self imposed exhaustion most likely won't be letting up soon (but I still can't wait for newborn snuggles). On the bright side, weekends feel like a huge treat. I don't have to get up, work out (ha, on a spectacular day), and get showered and completely ready before Dalton is up. I can just sleep in until I hear him!

Speaking of sleep, the past two days Dalton has been passed out when we need to get him up and ready to go. Even turning on the light and turning off his white noise didn't wake him, so we had to take him out of the crib and then he would sit in our laps and rub his eyes. THE GUILT. We felt so bad but what can we do? Go to work late to let him sleep in? We try to put him to bed earlier but he just plays in the crib longer then...

Sometimes I torture myself by reading articles intended for SAHMs (and I know being a mom is hard no matter what, but this is my blog, so it's my place to complain about my personal issues) and there's all this talk of how lucky working moms are to go to work and get all these breaks - coffee breaks, lunch breaks, adult chit chat breaks...but they never share a job title, or more importantly,  a listing for an opening at one of these magic unicorn leprechaun jobs with all these breaks. Can someone enlighten me? Because I would like to apply, and no one I know has jobs like this. I drink my coffee while running around making copies, passing out papers, writing objectives, and finishing up lesson materials for the day. I spend my lunch catching up on work email and paperwork. I wouldn't complain about work if it was mainly break time.

When I do foolishly decide I've earned a "break", and scroll through Facebook on my lunch, I generally see some cute picture of someone doing something fun with their child. And then I feel sad and guilty because I miss my own kid and we're not doing anything fun and then I'm throwing an unproductive pity party for myself instead of just getting shit done so I can leave at soon as possible to see him. I was going to take a day off in December to go see the Rockefeller tree with Dalton, but I'm already stressed out about missing time for prenatal appointments. I'm not even going to Dalton's well doctor visits now because of that (#momoftheyear) and also I know at some point he'll be sick and I'll stay home with him. So I feel guilty taking a personal day. And also guilty for not taking it to do something cool with him.

But at the end of every other week, I get a paycheck for all my troubles. Which I then hand over a large part of (soon to be larger) to someone else, for watching our kid, the one thing I desperately want to do. The problem is, the rest of that paycheck pays things like our mortgage, so we kind of need it.

I promise I'm not looking for "you're doing great!" comments. I know I'm doing my best, and that I'm a good mom. The point of this post is to complain. And hear from other working moms that while it's worth it, sometimes it freaking sucks. But at least I get a break this year from pumping.

What freaking sucks in your life right now? Let's all complain!



19 comments:

  1. I'm not a fan of the "extended care" days at the school with the 8-4 hours. If they close the school for the day and i pay for extra daycare, I want to be able to work a full day goddamnit

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  2. I just found out I need some dental work to the tune of $1500. I've also had "issues" with Aunt Flow that have necessitated tests which were not fun. Because of insurance delays, waiting for appointments and lag time between tests and doctor's visits, at this point it's been over a month since I first saw the doctor and I'm still waiting for resolution, which I hope will basically be birth control pills. If it's more involved, I'll be a wreck. I have severe medical anxiety. The mere thought of a doctor's appointment freaks me out.

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    1. I get the medical anxiety. That sucks. Doctors are scary. Hopefully it will be an easy solution!

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  3. I recently moved from Louisiana to Kentucky. The house we were supposed to move into ended up having black mold. So, we've been living in a motel room for the past 2 weeks. Our first night in Kentucky, the lock on our U-Haul was cut, and the truck ransacked. We had quite a few items stolen. To top it all off, my 2 year old daughter has been sick since Sunday. We spent most of the day yesterday in the emergency room. It has been a rough 2 weeks.

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    1. OMG. Send me your hotel address for real so I can bake you cookies. alyssalindsey718atgmaildotcom. I am so sorry. I hope she's doing better!

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  4. I work full time and am also in school trying to get a degree for a job I already have, but my bosses insist I need the degree (cause that will make me better at the job I already have?) So I get to work all day, then stay late 4x/week to do homework, and come in for 12-14 hour homework marathons on Saturday, and if I'm really unlucky/stupid, Sunday too. On a good week I see my kids Wed night, Sat morning, and Sunday. On a bad week, I see them Wed night.

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    1. UGH. I'm so sorry. That sucks. I was so glad I finished grad school before Dalton was born bc I have no clue how I could have survived that.

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  5. I just got another lab bill from a medical check-up a few months ago that stems from an issue I had SIX YEARS AGO. But, because of the beauty of health insurance back then, I'm still paying an excessive amount of money for things that should be covered. Le sigh.

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  6. Long time lurker . . . I’ve read your blog for a while now, for both the running and kid posts and enjoy both! I want to offer some words of support/wisdom. I do have one three year old son so obviously I’m an expert at all things parenting.

    My son has been in daycare since approximately three months, and, especially when he was smaller, it broke my heart although I’m definitely not cut out to be a stay at home mom and he was happy and cared for. While I would love to be at home more, it is so exciting to see him learn things and be so excited about the arts and crafts that he brings home. My son adores me and doesn’t harbor any resentment that I take him to school in the mornings. As cheesy and cliché as it sounds, I do appreciate the time that I get to spend with him so much more since I know that it’s limited. So I guess my point is . . . I know it’s hard, but you seem to be a great mom to an adorable child, and it does get easier. Sorry for the novel, but I hope the rambling offers a bit of encouragement.

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    1. Thank you! I'm glad to hear that maybe it gets easier? My son loves his daycare provider and that makes me really happy. I don't feel guilty about sending him there, luckily, just guilt/sadness that I'm missing precious time with him. I need to just suck it up, buttercup.

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  7. What ^ said. Plus, being a teacher, you'll have every summer with him full time which non-teaching moms don't get. #silverlining




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    1. Yeah...except I work during summer. Because bills. Theoretical silver lining though!

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  8. Dude, you're a teacher. When I was laid off from my engineering job, I decided to try being a teacher (I was burned out from engineering). OMG, teaching is the hardest job EVER. You seriously don't get breaks. The fact that you're doing it with a baby and a bun in the oven gets you mad respect from me. Oh, and I lasted about 3 weeks as a teacher when the school and I mutually agreed that I wasn't cut out to teach. I don't know what I was thinking - I barely have patience to deal with my own kids! At any rate, hopefully once you get further into your pregnancy you'll get some of your groove back. And the holidays are coming, which will help, too :-).

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    1. Thank you so much for this comment! This made my life. I'm obviously not going to discuss it on a blog, but it's hard, and this year is especially challenging.

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  9. You deserve some complaining! Teaching is a way more tiring job than some because you're dealing with lots of crazy kids/parents, etc. sorry you're having a tough time balancing it all. Let me know if we can help in any way with appointments, anything!

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  10. I am a bit behind, but congrats on being knocked up again! Maybe you don't want to hear this but I remember wondering if I would ever not feel tired again. I did eventually but I still don't sleep as good as I used to. I used to feel like I needed a clean house, but now I try to let some things slide and use that time for the kids. They grow so freaking fast!

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  11. Some times, it is REALLY FREAKING HARD and REALLY FREAKING SUCKS. But like someone else said above, I do know that Maren LOVES her daycare ladies. She is learning a lot about co-existing with other people in the world (sharing is hard) and she gets excited to see her friends every day. I do also feel like it makes our time together that much better. We work hard to maximize our awake time with her and on weekends I rush like a crazy lady to fit in everything during naps/before she wakes up in the morning. But there are weekends I never want to end and days where it is so hard to hand her over. (of course in full disclosure, there are some weekends where she is a beast and I don't mind the drop off as much...)

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  12. Our baby boy is 3 weeks old today. I already get tears in my eyes thinking of having to leave him when I go back to work in early February. I'm already freaking out about how I would handle a newborn and a toddler (because I like to plan ahead so of course I'm already thinking about our imaginary second child). How can I possibly feel mom guilt already??? The one thing that brings me some peace is that our baby will be with my husband about 40% of the time due to his work schedule, so my baby won't be in daycare every day. But man oh man...

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Thanks for commenting! Comments make me probably more happy than they should.