Working on my fitness

Generally, I devote myself to exercise for two main reasons. Training for races, and, let's be honest, not being a fatty. Theoretically, the best reason to exercise is to maintain good health. In practice though, that one just isn't as big of a motivator as a marathon PR or eating dessert every night without having to buy new pants.

A PR PLUS ice cream - best motivator ever

Being pregnant pretty much takes both of those off the table. I guess I could work towards a "pregnancy PR" or something, but that's stupid.

My one and only pregnancy double digit run at 8 weeks along

Exercise can definitely help you be less fat, or contain the fat to being exclusively baby related, but that's hard to really measure, and you can easily just call it all pregnancy and no one will question you to your face. That means you are left with only "being healthy" as a motivator. I have had many people promise me that exercise = short, easy labor, but unfortunately I don't believe in that at all, so that's not working for me. Which is a shame, because if I did, you would totally see me on Instagram rocking my marathon medal in my "Running for 2 NOT A FATTY" tank top.

Since I can't claim lack of time as a problem in the summer, I'm forced to come clean and admit that it's a real issue to get motivated for exercise these days. You know how sometimes you really don't want to do a workout and you start coming up with all sorts of excuses why you can't possibly do it that day? Well, for 9 months, you have a perfect, legitimate excuse every single day. Hello, I am CREATING A HUMAN. That's exercise enough. And if I can convince myself it's not, huffing and puffing through putting on my sneakers definitely is.

Two weeks ago, I had an awesome week where I was like "I'M TOTALLY NAILING EXERCISE". Then last week I didn't even get a workout in that lasted more than 30 minutes until Saturday. Once school begins and definitely once the baby arrives I'll be happy with 30 minutes, but when I really have no other responsibilities, its just pathetic. On Wednesday and Friday, my workout was getting up and stretching my back when I finally got too uncomfortable sitting.

On Saturday, I pulled myself together and went to Body Pump. I used to attend this class several times a week before my love affair with running began, but I've still dabbled here and there. I've never been to this particular session, and I got in a huge fight with the instructor. (Please note: 99.8% of the time when I claim to get in a "fight", the majority of my dialogue takes place in my head while outwardly I'm like "ok thanks!".)

She stopped class to come over and inform me I couldn't do the chest press on my back. Pregnant women not being allowed to lay on their back is, according to my research, an outdated concept that, if true, probably would have led to the end of the human race by now. Supposedly it can lead to reduced blood flow. I discuss my exercise with my doctor at most appointments and she just advised me not to use common sense and if lying on my back didn't feel right, get up, but she didn't see any problem with it.

So far I haven't had any issues, and since I do a lot of interval type workout classes, I'm lying on my back for like, 4 minutes max. I told the instructor that I had my doctor's clearance (I actually did say that out loud) but she insisted I elevate myself. That didn't seem like that big of a deal but then she was on my case throughout the rest of the class, and actually just told me to sit down during certain things. Then I got up and just started packing up to leave, and she was like "oh no wait you can do this next one!". She also insisted I just do plank throughout the entire ab section, because I can totally do a 5 minute plank with 93 extra pounds on me. I thanked her for her recommendations because of course, we all realize that being an instructor at the YMCA makes her much more knowledgeable than my OB.

Deep down, I must believe that continuing to "run" will help me return to running faster post partum, because I can't fathom why else I would do it when it feels terrible. Since this is my first pregnancy, there's really no way to measure that or not, so I can just claim to be right regardless of what happens. At 33 weeks, run has to be in quotation marks, because it's more like "walk/slowly jog a 5k on the treadmill". The humidity was making running outside impossible, meaning it caused pain/contractions that my doctor advised me not to run through. I'm only running maybe twice a week, because low impact exercise is just so much more comfortable. I tried to run two days in a row this week and it felt approximately 99 times more terrible than normal, so I cried uncle and did the elliptical.

On a positive note, in some ways I feel like I'm in a better place with fitness because limiting running means I actually do strength and cross training. Also it makes my running shoes last forever, which is good since I no longer get a sweet discount.

I didn't really expect to make it this far with running, and now it seems like there's a possibility of being able to continue to run until pretty much D-day, which I never would have expected. I'm not that hopeful though because dehydration seems to be my biggest issue (it causes Braxton Hicks contractions) and once school begins, it's an uphill battle. I'm always insanely dehydrated the first month of teaching and that's without trying to hydrate me and a fetus. Why I have any expectations about pregnant running having never had any experience with it? No idea.

That's where I am with 7 weeks until my due date. I'm hoping that I can at least keep up doing something, even walking, until the bitter end.

What's your main exercise motivation? Does everyone understand what I mean with the trying to invent excuses for yourself when you don't feel like it, or is that just me?

 

When dreams come true

Once the third trimester hit, life has been filled with that "it's getting REAL" feeling. I was filling out paperwork at the hospital and in the blank under "mother's name" I aimed my pen to write a "J", for my own mother's name (Joy). Then I realized that meant me. I am the mother. Yikes.

People keep asking if we are ready. Can someone let me know when that magic moment comes when you are like "YES. I am 100% ready to take on being responsible for another life right this second,"? I'm not there yet, in case you couldn't tell. I'm getting extremely anxious to meet him. But I'm fairly sure that's different than "ready".

We have made some major strides. I ordered my breast pump (thanks Obama!) and scheduled a meeting with a pediatrician. We turned in the paperwork for maternity/paternity leave. I'm supposed to be reorganizing the linen closet right now (edited to add: I have since done this). Fascinating, right?

Last week, my dreams literally came true. I found out that Orange is the New Black has 13 episodes in a season, not a mere ten like Game of Thrones, which was awesome, but it got even better than that.

We met with a day care provider Tuesday. The night before, I had a dream that the meeting went great and the woman let us put down a deposit and it was all done and over with. It was one of those dreams where you are ecstatically happy in the dream and then you wake up and are like WHY CAN'T THAT BE REAL. I don't think I've felt it to that degree since I was a kid and I dreamed I could have all the toys in the toy store and I still remember the ecstasy of that dream.

There's a lot to do to prepare for a baby, way more than I would expect for a person who (I hope to GOD) weighs less than ten pounds. But absolutely nothing has been nearly as stressful as finding someone that you are comfortable with entrusting your child's life to for 50+ hours each week. Starting at 3 months old. Plus the small matter of being able to afford this trustworthy person's services, and needing it to be located reasonably close to your job/home. If that isn't tough enough, if you are lucky enough to find such a situation, they also have to have a spot open for your baby, and be willing to let you reserve it before the child even arrives. Unless you want to continue this search for the holy grail on top of caring for an infant, which I do not.

My dream did come true, we loved the daycare, they had a Game of Thrones poster up (it's in home), AND they took our deposit. I was about an inch away from getting down on my hands and knees and just begging them to take our money. It was recommended by a friend that I teach with, and her daughter has been happily going there since she was 12 weeks old. The fact that our child won't have to start caring for himself before he can even sit up is a huge, huge, HUGE weight off my shoulders.

We are also proud graduates of baby care class, and breastfeeding class. The second baby care class focused on safety. We watched a video about childproofing. My takeaway was to throw everyone you own away, clean your house excessively, and start over with all foam furniture. Stop cleaning (or at least using cleaning products), taking medications, or using heat to prepare food.

Eric was a little nervous about the breastfeeding class. In childbirth class (not to be confused with the other two classes, we have not yet completed this one) they told us about a new mothers group that we can attend postpartum. They made it very clear that the closest fathers could get was to drop off their wives and babies, and even that was only if the wife wasn't yet cleared for driving. Then they had the option of waiting in the car, or leaving and coming back later. So he was a little unsure if he would be welcome in breastfeeding class.

I assured him it was fine, but when we were walking down the hall to the auditorium with a bunch of pregnant women and no men he began to doubt me. I tried to explain that those women clearly had better memories and must remain cooler under pressure than I do, and I think they heard me, but I was complimenting them so it was fine. He was also unclear since, unlike general baby care or even birth, obviously this will be a pretty much be a venture for just me and the baby. But he understood once I pointed out that one of us is going to be suffering from adjusting to the transition of having just entered the world, and one of us is going to be exhausted and strung out on insane hormones. As a third party, it will be in his best interest to be informed. And plenty of other men showed up.

The class was pretty good, but they spent a significant amount of time focusing on the reasons women should breastfeed. I've noticed this in my reading as well. I guess it makes sense to try to convince people of a certain parenting choice in books, since I skeptically checked out some books on natural childbirth to explore my options. (Spoiler alert  - I'm going with the epidural.) But if I'm taking time out of my Saturday to attend a class, my mind is pretty much made up. No further convincing required.

I have back to school night during our final childbirth class, which focuses on post partum, so the hospital let us attend a different session. My takeaway from that was OMG. There wasn't actually anything shared that I haven't already heard from friends, but there's something different about hearing it from a L&D nurse in the hospital where you're going to deliver in less than two months. My doctor only lets patients go 10 days past their due date, which for me would be October 3. So no matter what happens, we will officially have a baby in less than two months from today.

It's commonly known (if you are interested in reproducing) that most first time mothers have their babies past their due dates. My due date is September 23. I've strongly felt that the baby will arrive closer to or in October. It's not a desire, obviously I'll be thrilled to see him whenever he makes an appearance, it's just what my mother's intuition predicts. But now I'm really trying to get it through my head that this isn't a guarantee - it's entirely possible for first time moms to go into labor before their due date. I just can't accept that I could have less time, especially since my intuition about the sex was dead on. We want to be "ready" in terms of the nursery, car seat, and hospital bag before school begins, so theoretically an early arrival would be fine, but I just can't shake my confidence that he will be late. So now that's out there, and I can look forward to triumphantly being right again.

Another text heavy post. We can all look forward to these being broken up with adorable pictures once the baby arrives, at any rate.

What would be your dream come true right now?

 

Whooping cough and karaoke

I got my whooping cough vaccine last week. It's recommended for all parents - to - be or anyone expected to spend a significant amount of time around an infant. I called to make appointments for both of us on Monday. The doctor's office did their usual routine of "oh, can't squeeze you in for at least two months" and then call back to say we could come in on Wednesday. I guess it's the medical version of playing hard to get, or something. They called back again to say Eric had actually been recently vaccinated, so he was covered.

I went in, got the shot, and it didn't really hurt at all. I was mentally pinning up my gold stars for making strides in overcoming my lifelong crippling fear of needles, due to all the blood you have to give during pregnancy. I went out to the car and glanced over the information sheet they had given me. It started to seem oddly..... familiar. The more I thought about it, the more certain I became that I too had received the shot recently, just last summer, in fact. By the time I got home I had completely lost my mind and was well on my way to full blown hysteria that having two of the same vaccine in the same year was 100% guaranteed to have horrific results, TBD.

I called the office and they did verify that I had received the vaccine the previous August. After being on hold for quite some time while they conferred with various nurses and doctors, they said it was on purpose so that some of the antibodies would be passed on to the baby. Well then. They could have told me that from the start. Also, I specifically remember my doctor telling me to get the vaccine last summer because I shared that I hoped to be pregnant soon - so what exactly was the point of that then?

I was relieved that I wasn't about to succumb to a terrible bout of whooping cough any minute (supposedly) but I didn't get off as easy as I thought from the painless injection. The area got red and swollen the next day, and the red area just kept growing and growing, to the point where it would elicit "OMG what is that?" reactions from a fair distance, and also shirts with sleeves hurt. But none of the "severe reaction" symptoms from the info sheet have occurred yet, so unless I just jinxed myself, we are in the clear.

Despite that troubling experience, I still went on to do things and see people in the next few days. Something weird happened, actually. I had this weird urge to interact with the world Friday night, and was dissatisfied just spending time alone with fictional characters. Quite odd.

Saturday was my good friend John's birthday party. We get along well. He opted to celebrate his birthday the same way we celebrated our wedding. Karaoke.

This was just the at home warm up before we went out to a karaoke place and had our own private room. That's right, we had complete control of the microphone. Be very jealous.

Going out was a big deal since he has a brand new son. I've mentioned this kid quite a bit, because he's awesome. Before karaoke, we met at their house for delicious barbeque. Eric thought we were going out for barbeque. I had to give him the bad news that those days are pretty much done.

Now, it's an early dinner with two pregos, a new baby, and a toddler in attendance. It's a bit of a change from our celebrations from a few years ago. I don't mean that as a complaint. I got my wild days out as a youngster, so I'm loving this new style (clearly, I didn't get knocked up by accident).  Plus I'll take all the baby and toddler practice I can get!

Why have birthday cake when you can have birthday pie? Well, obviously I would never personally choose such a thing, but this pie is actually so good that it's an acceptable choice. It's made with Berger cookies, a Baltimore delicacy (loaded with chocolate, which is why it's ok for a birthday dessert).

The classy choice is to bring the pie to karaoke and bathe it in black light. 

 

I was willing to leave the house at 9am on Sunday. This is a pretty big deal for me. My BFF Casi and I (see above, holding cute baby) have been tight since middle school, and another one of our close friends from that awkward era lives about two hours away. We met her and her adorable daughter for brunch.

She's due two weeks after me and also having a boy. I put on the full fledged blogger hat and demanded a parking lot bump photo.

 

One year from now, expect an awesome Instagram side by side of this photo and one of us holding our boys.

Then I came home and studied for a test I have to pay for and take to prove I can teach reading in the state of Maryland because 9 years of successful reading test scores from my students doesn't do that. Apparently. Totally not bitter. Pray I don't fail.

Are you a hypochondriac like me? I occasionally give in to temptation and ignore my husband imposed ban on WebMD. But I'm getting better. Just this weekend I summoned the willpower not to click on a picture labeled "graphic" in an article about the American Ebola virus victims.

 

Stuff besides my fetus

Although you wouldn't know it from my recent posts, I have spent limited time doing non-baby things these past few weeks. Not much, and even that little bit isn't terribly exciting, but it has happened.

Friday night we watched Divergent (again). The first time we saw it, on opening night, I was pretty underwhelmed. But I was open to exploring my reaction without the experience of dozens of teen and pre-teen girls screaming throughout the entire movie.

Still not impressed. It kind of confuses me. Previously, I blamed the lead actress (Shailene Woolley), but I loved her in The Fault in my Stars. In fact, I wanted to turn off Divergent and go see that movie instead. As always though, the eye candy made the whole experience worth it.

I continue to contradict my usual love of all YA fiction novels and movies based on those novels. The 50 Shades of Grey trailer came out recently, so I heard. I haven't watched it, or read the books. Literally everyone I know has, even my grandma read the first one. They sound stupid as hell to me. One of my favorite podcasts (The Complete Guide to Everything, listen to it if you like hilarious things) read it as a joke and did an episode explaining it (it's done by two single guys in their early 30s). That gave me all the information I felt I needed. It sounded seriously creepy and disturbing, and that's coming from someone currently reading a book that details the true story of life in a Japanese POW camp during WWII.

Speaking of books, that's pretty much the only non-baby thing in my life now, except Divergent and Orange is the New Black. I would say movies and TV, but I really haven't watched anything else. I think I have a new favorite author, Kristin Hannah. First of all, I love kindred spirits who join me in the two first names club. Second, I've read two of her books now, and I finished both in less than 48 hours (probably) because I couldn't put them down. If you like Jodie Piccoult type novels, you'd be on board.

I'm finally reading Unbroken, it's only been recommended to me for years by every runner ever. It's about an Olympic runner, Louie Zamperini, who was in a plane crash and taken prisoner by the Japanese during World War II.  I was iffy because I'm an ignoramus who usually only likes fiction, and this is based on a true story. But I finally got on board, and now I can't put that one down, either. I highly recommend it if you like horrific tales of torture and abuse. It's good for me though, because it puts things in perspective. Sometimes I'll be like "my rib hurts, the baby keeps kicking me" or "it's going to suck having to start waking up at 5:30 again when school starts" but then I'll be like "well Louie Zamperini survived through prison camp" and stop my whining.

I think I've lost perspective on what life is like when not consumed by thoughts of "baby baby baby" 24/7. Probably work will help with that. I got an email from my good friend Rachel the other day. She isn't coming to my baby shower because she is significantly smarter than me and lives in San Francisco, where humidity does not exist. We experienced this glory first hand when we went to her wedding two years ago.

Apparently we were too busy dancing to take attractive pictures together, so you can just admire the beauty and the view in two separate pictures.

You can see Alcatraz in the background!

She said she couldn't handle looking at my registry because the first thing she saw was a picture of a woman with something hanging off both boobs. You mean everybody doesn't know what this is?? I had no idea prior to this year. Anyway, she went rogue and sent me an amazing gift.

I've wanted a food processor forever, and plus it doubled as a surface to take self timer bump photos for my post yesterday. Now I need to decide what to use my wonderful new kitchen gadget for - I'm thinking something with graham cracker crust, maybe? Anyway, the point of this is to ask what I should make, but really to direct you to her blog if you are missing an actual running/training blog. She just signed up for her first ironman this week, with her husband and friend, and they all post about their races and training.

FOOOOOOD. We had buffalo chicken enchiladas last night. Make them immediately. Yes, that is real, stinky blue cheese on top because the wonderful people at Wegmans cheese shop work with me to find a pasteurized version of whatever cheese I desire. If you are pregnant and a cheese lover, move near a Wegmans ASAP. Actually, just move near a Wegmans anyway and I promise your life will improve.

For dessert, we had brown butter caramel peanut butter cookies. I used Rolos instead of regular caramels to up the ante with some chocolate. I highly recommend this. I made brown butter chocolate chip cookies a while back, and was underwhelmed with the brown butter thing. I must have done it wrong or something because you can totally taste it in these cookies and it's amazing.



The only reason these are left is my decreased stomach space.

 

 

 

 

I feel this could be a polarizing topic. Are you for or against 50 Shades of Grey?

32 week update, HLB style

If you read any healthy living blogs (HLBs), you know that as soon as the blogger falls pregnant, they begin to write these type of weekly updates. I'll admit, I have discussed pregnancy ad nauseam on my blog, but I haven't done this popular update. I'm now 4/5 done so I figured I would give it a try. I perused a variety of extremely well written healthy living blogs (just kidding, that's an oxymoron) to find the topics I needed to include and modeled mine off of their format.

The bump: I took a quick self timer picture for your viewing pleasure. Then I realized I would be doing the HLB pregnancy update a disservice if I didn't include a variety of pictures of myself in the same outfit, same location, and almost the exact same pose.

I'm sure a real HLB would have put on makeup and changed out of pajamas, but I'm only willing to go so far.

Another picture of me looking pretty much exactly the same. Just realized I forgot to put my hand on my hip though.

The classic "hugging my baby". It came out blurry anyway so I took the opportunity to make it extra artsy.

I forgot to buy the fruit or vegetable that the baby supposedly looks like this week, but I already had bananas in the kitchen, so I posed with one of those instead.

Gender: I'll never understand why this needs to be included on a weekly basis, but boy.

Baby prep: Reading baby books, going to classes, looking at daycares. That counts, right? I'm also stalking our registry. Eric cleared out and painted the nursery.

Supposedly my "nesting instinct" should be kicking in any day now (even the childbirth class said it should). I've long suspected this wouldn't happen for me. I was unwilling to rule anything out, because I certainly know that hormones can make you do crazy, unexpected things. But so far, as predicted, I have zero urge to scrub my baseboards, or sanitize the couch cushions, or anything other than my usual urges to lay down, read a book, and eat some cookies. I can barely motivate myself to do the basic cleaning required to stay above college boy apartment level. I did start coming up with some ideas for freezer meals I can prep now, but I wouldn't say that's an "urge" as much as a feeling of "I'd like to continue to eat after this baby comes and I hear my time will be limited". I have projects that I'd like to do, but that would probably be more impressive if I actually attempted to do any of them. There's still time though, so you could find me on a ladder scrubbing the ceiling yet.

Mommy prep: Who else gets creeped out by people referring to themselves as mommy on the internet? I'd prefer if my son calls me mommy and it ends there. I already told my husband that under no circumstances is he ever to call me mommy unless he is talking directly to our child. I'm firm on this, and trust me, I've given the term a test drive. Do you know how often kids call their teacher mommy by mistake? I hear it like 3x/week, minimum. Which is fine, but I'm still not responding to it from people I haven't given birth to.

To answer the prompt, I'm following everyone's advice and sleeping as much as humanly possible. I'm nailing that one.  I just had my doctor fill out my FMLA paperwork, too. I'm getting the whopping cough vaccine tomorrow. Pretty exciting stuff. What exactly is mommy prep, anyway?

Food cravings: Cottage cheese. Since day 1, I can never get enough. It's the only one. I just ran out and it's torturous.

Food aversions: Starbucks drinks, but all other coffee is fine. Carrots and hummus, but I think that's actually because I OD'd having that for a snack every single day after school for like 5 years. I haven't actually had any aversions where the thought or smell of the food makes me sick. Some things I'd prefer not to eat, like everyone else.

Miss anything: How many options are there for this one, really? Alcohol, unlimited caffeine, Jimmy John's (pregnant women are advised not to eat cold lunch meat and Jimmy John's doesn't toast their subs, even by request) - I mean I'm looking forward to them, but I can't say I'm really missing them because it makes me feel like an ungrateful douche. It's 9 months. Suck it up, buttercup.

Maternity clothes: I can't even bring myself to care, so I don't know who else would. Obviously I'm wearing maternity clothes, just look at me. Actually, it's summer so I live in stretchy soft tank tops and pajama shorts (see above).

Workouts: I totally didn't plan this or anything, I just extremely coincidentally decided to do a post which includes my workouts right after a rare week of really good (for pregnant me) workouts. Crazy, right? Last week's workouts:
Monday - 30 min elliptical
Tuesday - kickboxing class
Wednesday - Body Sculpt class
Thursday - 3.5 mile run
Friday - spin class
Saturday - 40 minute stroller walk with practice baby (it was a real baby)
Sunday - 10 min incline walk and 30 min No More Trouble Zones

I wrote this post Sunday, and even though I didn't even publish it, saying I'd had good workouts jinxed me and I had to abandon my run halfway through yesterday. Womp womp.

Symptoms: Well, my belly is significantly bigger. I also feel a little boy moving inside me pretty frequently. Sometimes it's hard to breathe. Sometimes I have back pain. I'm tired 100% of the time. I have a new favorite bedtime snack.

And this is why I hate these updates. It's impossible to write them without it sounding like a bitch fest. Boo hoo, the privilege of carrying a child is slightly inconvenient for me.

Baby's size: This confuses me because most bloggers I see recap the previous week, so at 31 weeks the dumbass fruit he supposedly matches up to was a head of lettuce (18 in, 3.2 lbs). But today I'm 32 weeks, which makes him a.... head of lettuce? Seriously, the What to Expect app finally just gave up. This week the head of lettuce is 19 inches, 3.9 pounds.

Weight gained: This is definitely something I'm interested in posting on the internet. I went to the doctor yesterday and she said I'm measuring right on target, so I took that to mean I will go into labor as soon as the clock strikes midnight on my due date.

Stretch marks: Seriously no idea, I can't even see half my stomach. I did notice the linea nigra showing up. Eric thought I was making that name up. Google it.

Sleep: I can sleep 10 hours and wake up exhausted and still want a nap. I suspect I could probably sleep 22 hours a day and only wake up to eat and pee. It's amazing how well one can sleep when you don't have a job to wake up for. I go to sleep when I'm tired and wake up when I feel like it. I have creepy vivid pregnancy dreams every night that I rarely remember and wouldn't bore you with if I did, because I seriously hate when people want to tell me about their dreams in more than one sentence. Yeah, it seems exciting when you're in there, but hearing about it is not.

Well, I hope that wasn't as boring to read as it was to write. I can't imagine doing that on a weekly basis, although now I can say with certainty I haven't been missing out by not doing these type of posts.

Either based on this example or actual HLB updates, if you read them, which category do you find the stupidest? Aside from gender, I would have to go with symptoms, because I feel like people obsess over every twinge in order to generate a list. Mommy prep is a close second, although really it's a tough call since they are all so dumb.

 

 

 

 

 

All baby, all the time

We are on a verge of a baby-tastic week over here. It all kicked off Thursday night.

We started newborn care class at the hospital. I've never been in a room with so many pregnant women before. So many hormones all in one place.

We have another baby event almost every day this week.

Monday: Doctor appointment in the morning for me, and then we begin our childbirth class that night. I'm simultaneously excited for the hospital tour (not sure if that will be tomorrow, it's a five week class) and concerned that my carefully crafted denial about labor and delivery will be blown to pieces.
Tuesday: Another daycare visit
Thursday: Newborn class, part 2 of 2
Saturday: Breastfeeding class

The breastfeeding class concludes the various types of classes we are taking. Just trying to be prepared and all.

Back to the newborn class. The L&D nurse who taught it was really nice. It had some good information. They showed "The Happiest Baby on the Block" video. I'm reading the book, and I'd actually just got the email that the DVD was ready for me at the library. It was all lecture format though. I've seen pictures on blogs of people with fake babies, so I was expecting a little more hands on practice. Also, it focused a lot on the time immediately after birth. I'd personally like to know less about what will happen when I'm surrounded by trained professionals willing to assist me, and more about what the hell I do with his kid once we get home. There's still one more session next week, but that's mainly safety and infant CPR. I'm CPR certified, but I really remember very little from the class, so I'm glad to be getting a refresher.

I was left with two options to practice the baby calming techniques presented, particularly swaddling. Get a life size baby doll, or find a real baby.

As those of you in your 20s will soon find out, once you hit your 30s, there will be no shortage of babies in your life (and currently for me, they are all boys!). My BFF Carolyn had her baby boy, Nathan, in May, so I was able to trade my babysitting services for swaddling practice.

Baby burrito "success:"

Don't let his expression in the swaddle fool you, this is how he looked when I was performing the swaddle.

I've spent years in professional developments where you watch a video of how to do something. The videos always promise that if you do this thing, your class will be nothing but quiet, well behaved children who are unfailingly eager to learn. In practice, it doesn't always shake out exactly like that. As a result, I wasn't exactly shocked when swaddling a real live baby wasn't quite as easy as the DVD made it appear. While he enjoyed being swaddled, he squirmed the whole time and broke out within minutes. The third time, he stayed in the longest (maybe like 45 minutes?) and that's when I took the picture. I guess I just need more practice?

That was the first time I'd ever taken care of a baby so young. You would think that the fact that I'm about to do that full time, very soon, I wouldn't have felt nervous about it. You'd be wrong. But his parents came home to a full, burped, dry, sleeping healthy baby, so I guess we both survived.

I furthered my immersion into baby culture by attending a "Tot Swap" on Saturday. It's a GIANT consignment sale (this one took place on the state fair grounds, that's how big it was). I went to one with friends when I was 7 weeks pregnant and nearly had to leave in a strait jacket, I was so overwhelmed.

I was relieved to find out that 24 weeks later, I felt I had a good handle on baby items, or I at least recognized the majority and knew what their function was. I went for two specific items: an Exersaucer and books. My stepfather has been combing garage sales all summer for the Exersaucer - an elusive piece of baby equipment that sources say is extremely useful for a very short period, therefore worth getting, but not getting new.

Books because the teacher in me was having a panic attack that the baby is now 3 lbs (according to my apps) and we don't have a single baby book yet. 

I was successful on both counts. I snagged one of only two unclaimed Exersaucers left, for only $15. I also got an unplanned workout carrying the Exersaucer to my car.

 

Exersaucer (I had to take it apart a bit to fit it in the car)

What's really shocking is that I got those things, and only those things. There was a lot of other temptation, but our baby shower is coming up in two weeks so I wanted to wait before buying more. I didn't even allow myself to look at the clothes, because we have so many hand-me-downs from wonderful, stylish mothers.

Well, this makes it sound like my life is all baby, all the time, and while it will be that way soon, I promise that isn't the case just yet. There's other stuff going on too.

Do you buy used stuff, or are you above all that? My favorite place to shop is amazon, but if I do actually have to leave the house, I am all about Ross Dress for Less (that's used stuff, right?). I also just ordered a bag to sell stuff back to Thred Up.

 

Internet abstinance

This is something I've been thinking about doing for awhile now. We all know that in 2014, it's impossible to make any sort of lifestyle change without a sweeping public declaration. Here it is.

I'm done reading internet articles about the wild adventure I'm about to embark on.

I love the internet as much as anyone else. Maybe more. It's been a fabulous time waster on my summer break, and I fully plan to continue liking cute baby pictures, reading the 47 things kids from the 90s miss, and snarking on ridiculous blogs about how CrossFit is better than chocolate, sex, babies, wine, and anything else desirable on this planet, and recipes for kale tacos (I'm not even making that up).

I'm giving up a very specific type of internet-ing. Like all mothers-to-be, I'm curious, in a morbidly fascinated terrified way, about what's coming down the pike. Knowledge is power.

Obviously, there's no shortage of information. In my mom's day, aside from the doctor, you were pretty much relying on what your friends told you. In my case, that in itself is frightening enough. But now I have the option of reading birth stories morning to night, seeing photographs, videos, and the icing on the cake is websites like Baby center, What to Expect and WebMD, etc., to inform me of every possible thing that could or has ever gone wrong, ever.

Then there's the "humorous" side. I don't know if Facebook secretly put me on some "scary" newsfeed track or what. Every day there's more links.

• "How Labor and Delivery is worse than anything Ramsay Snow ever did to Theon"
• "349 reasons caring for a newborn is worse than time in a Korean prison camp"
• "Why having kids is the worst idea ever and should be avoided at all costs"
• "9 ways kids are dicks" - that one is actually real

I get it, these things are hard. I know I don't actually get it, because if there's one thing everyone seems to agree on, it's that you can't truly fathom what it's like until you do it. But on an intellectual level, I think I get it as much as possible. I don't think reading 200 more scary mommy articles is necessary to drive that point home. Probably, all these posts are hilarious after the fact. I'll get back to you on that.

My guess is that, like most people, I decided I wanted a baby based on a romanticized, idealized view of motherhood. I'm no scientist, but I strongly feel that's a key factor in the continuation of the human race. All this reading is destroying that romanticized view, and I don't really think I want that. I'm taking the newborn care class (we start tomorrow!), I'm reading the books, but aside from that I want to spend the next 9 weeks getting teary eyed daydreaming about playing "this little piggy" with the foot that's currently kicking inside my belly. Instead, all this internet noise is making me dread it.

The other thing is, there's a huge menu of things that can go wrong all along the way. Pregnancy, delivery, breastfeeding, infancy.... they all have tons of risks. And now I'm learning all about all of them, including quite a few I'd never even heard of. I'm prone to quickly descend down the rabbit hole of the worst case scenario anxiety, so this is not good for me. Whatever does go wrong, I'll deal with, obviously, because what other option is there?

With my due date being two months from today (side note OMG), I think it's safe to say I'm out of time for medical science to suddenly develop a fantastic, pain/blood free way of magically transporting your baby from your womb to your loving arms. That means that as much as labor and delivery might suck, there's no way around it, because he has to come out. I'm comfortable with maintaining my state of utter denial until then. Although we begin childbirth classes at the hospital next week, so that may shatter my denial plan.

What's your favorite/least favorite thing about the internet? Do you have anything you specifically avoid?

PS I know I always use Theon/Ramsay as an example, but there's just no better torture scenes I'm aware of. And I'm not posting a gif because it's torturous enough to watch the first time, in my opinion. Also gifs are right up there on my least favorite list right about now, I'm so sick of them.