My new BFF is a llama

It's really rare that I have a surplus of blog material, but such a thing happened today. Naturally, I knew all my adoring fans were dying to hear my 50K race report (I got emails!), but I also had requests to get the rest of my Tennessee trip up on the blog (my mom calling me counts as "requests").

My stepfather's best friend from middle school owns something like a 300 acre farm in Tennessee, and keeps llamas as pets. Even though I'm an animal hater through and through, and I'd never personally met the man or the animals, for some reason I've long been fascinated with these llamas. After we booked our trip to Tennessee, my stepfather realized we'd be close to his friend George, and suggested we pay him a visit. 

I realized this meant meeting the famous llamas, and went berserk. Little did I know, llamas were merely a small part of the amazement in store for me.

George lives on a super secluded farm in the rural mountains of Tennessee. He restored an authentic log cabin on the property, then built himself his dream house. It has an elevator. In his house.

He also has a toilet with a remote controlled bidet. Guess what guys, we are all wasting our time wiping our asses when we could have a delightful little fountain doing it for us, plus nice warm dryers when we are done. This sounds sarcastic, but I swear it's a true story.

We dug deep and tried to use what we'd learned on our trip to act like real Tennessee natives at the cabin.

The house is devoted to taxidermy, but not just any taxidermy. All the animals inside are ones George has killed himself, mainly with handguns.

He killed this giant buffalo with a single shot!

There's even a boar head from a boar he killed with a knife! He jumped on it's back and stabbed it. How freaking cool is that? I am fascinated by this bravery. Also, he uses all the meat to feed local families (usually in Africa) and uses every single part of the animal for something.

Case in point:
This ice chest was once a bull's testicles

Apparently Eric only likes Pumba in the Lion King

Even the guest room was decked out! We slept with this bear skin, and the floor had a deer skin on it. I was really scared to touch the eyes and noses, but once I gathered my courage it was kind of cool.

Finally, after Eric had enjoyed some beer George brewed with the hops he grew himself (wine for me) and we chatted on his hand made, wraparound front porch, it was LLAMA TIME.

You know how all you psychos are always telling me how great pets are? Here's how I react to really calm, well trained animals that I've been waiting YEARS to meet.

See why I don't want to pet your dog?

But over time, Cisco and I became friends. I'm not sure how he spells that, so I'm going with the way of the Thong song singer.

George has pet goats too. Look at the baby!

Even I find baby goats cute.

Dead stuffed animals and pets weren't the only type - wild animals were around too! Baby raccoons came to visit us! They weren't even scared of people and walked all around the yard and even climbed up to the porch!

It's looking right at me!

After a dinner of fresh picked farm vegetables and grilled salmon with spices that George brought back from Africa, he busted out some hardcore mountain moonshine. I tried about half a drop and my lips felt like they'd touched the sun. I'm not going to lie though, if I'd had that shot available to me before my post 50K shower from hell, I would have taken it to dull the chafing pain.

Last but not least....the llama made me his bitch.