Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Mom report card, according to the internet

I'm officially a mom now, except that's weird, so maybe somebody could fill me in on how long it takes to get used to that title?

As we all know, I spent a lot of time during pregnancy reading mom blogs and birth stories. Most pregnancy/mommy blogs are written by people who know the right way to create, carry, and birth a baby, and like every woman, I strive to emulate them. It's time to put my teacher skills to use, even on maternity leave, and grade myself based on all that reading.

1. Staying active during pregnancy: A+

I worked out 6 days almost every single week, and clearly that makes me better than almost every other woman on earth, ever. I lost count of how many people attributed my smooth pregnancy to exercise, and how many people promised me an easy, fast delivery for the same reason. I always maintained both of those were just luck of the draw. I don't know what I did to make the pregnancy gods smile on me like crazy, but I don't think it was the fact that I read a magazine on the elliptical regularly. And all those quality hours with my bump on the treadmill with Buffy or in spin class sure didn't get me that easy, fast delivery.

2. An unmedicated, natural birth: FFF

That's right, triple Fs. I get the first for not even attempting that torture. If it were up to me, I would have had that epidural in on the first contraction. I further failed by being strep B positive, and needing antibiotics upon arrival at the hospital. Then, I agreed (readily) to use Pitocin to speed things up. I was medicated all around!

The ultimate fail was delivering via C-section. Totally unnatural. Let's talk about how guilty and sad I feel as I mourn that experience. That's a big fat zero. I firmly believe everyone is entitled to their feelings (and I've certainly had my share of irrational ones), but for me, a healthy baby truly was the only goal. All's well that ends well and I look back on that day with nothing but happiness (well, I do still shudder at the contraction part a bit).

3. Skin to skin time: F

I might as well not even bother trying to mother this kid, because the internet has been quite clear that skin to skin time after birth is the be all and end all for motherhood. I looked forward to that precious moment when your baby is finally placed on your chest and you experience that love like you've never known just as much as any mom - to - be.  I had that moment, but right after delivery, when I was strung out on painkillers, the room was spinning, and I couldn't move or feel anything but my head, well, that wasn't it. Actually, it's not even my fault, because I totally could have still had skin to skin time while I was getting stitched up if someone spotted me. The problem was my son was too "busy" receiving "life saving interventions" and didn't have time to cuddle up with dear old mom right away. RUDE.

So busy moments after birth. Whatever.

4. Eating healthy nonstop except for very few instances that I can reasonably blame 100% on cravings from the fetus and not my own crack in my perfect willpower - Big Fat F

I had my fair share of healthy meals, and my pregnancy brain led me to accidentally buy organic or low fat versions of things more than normal (truly accidental, like I was too dumb to read labels correctly). But as I've documented extensively, I enjoyed plenty of burgers, fries, delicious desserts, and many other foods for fatties while pregnant. Guess who wanted all those things? It sure as hell wasn't the fetus the size of an orange. In fact, I eat all that stuff even when I don't have an innocent little friend growing in my womb to blame it on. I'll even continue to now! And I'm going to let Dalton eat sugar! Not three times a day every day until we end up on the Biggest Loser, but life without fries and chocolate isn't worth living in my humble opinion.

5. Pregnancy weight  gain - C

The largest point

I don't really understand why this number is something that I see shared on blogs all the time. Never mind, I do, because what's the point of only eating organic kale chips and fruit for dessert (or gross crap like Artic Zero) if you don't have a super low pregnancy weight gain to smugly brag about? I gave myself a C because mine was solidly in the healthy range, and if you aren't my doctor or my husband, it's none of your damn business. I thought that went without saying, but then people ask. And don't drop it when I try to politely decline sharing.

I will say one thing that I wished I had known a few months ago. I gained way more weight than you are supposed to in the first tri (no morning sickness was sweet!) and was starting to freak out that I would gain 75 pounds and be delivering a 12 pound baby. It all evened out by the end though, and my doctor was never concerned, so if that happens to you, don't stress over it!

6. Post partum weight loss - NA

Well, I've weighed myself every day since the birth, and taken stomach progress pictures, and developed a complicated post partum exercise plan that involves a minimum of 3 daily workouts beginning when my baby is 2.5 weeks old, and started charting my calories through daily mile, but I TOTALLY don't actually care about losing the baby weight!

I read that statement "I'm not thinking about the baby weight at all" a lot, but I actually mean it. I have not done any of those things. I'm not saying that will be true forever, but a week out, I'm strictly following my recovery plan of snuggling with my baby as much as humanly possible. And blogging, because Eric wants some cuddle time too.

Here's what I'm actual doing:
  • I'm positive I lost at least 6 lbs, 14 oz so far.
One step closer to my skinny jeans without this dead weight.
    My mom made me a ton of delicious food, and I'm eating all of it.
    Leftover chicken marsala and lasagna for dinner
    Pumpkin cream cheese chocolate chip bread for dessert

  • Today we walked down the stairs (we live in a third floor apartment) to say goodbye to my parents, and then we took a walk down the street. I didn't time it, but I'd estimate 4-5 minutes.
  • I don't mean to brag but.... my pre-pregnancy pajama pants already fit again.
7. Gratuitous belly pictures: B-

Eh, I could have done better, but I kind of loved being pregnant and felt the need to document here and there. But I always kept my shirt on and never subjected the internet to my pale flesh, so there's that. And I think I kept it to a minimum.

8. Breastfeeding: A

Let's hope I didn't jinx anything, we are only a week in and it's good! I'm not sure why everyone and their mom leans in confidentially to say "nobody tells you this, but babies get night and day confused" like they're dropping a huge knowledge bomb. I could have actually used some of that information that nobody tells you about breastfeeding. Like the fact that sometimes it requires all four hands (from me and Eric) to prevent him from eating his hands instead, because he's much stronger than any mortal baby should be. But we're tag teaming it, so we are able to out-wrestle him like 80% of the time. Also, other stuff that doesn't belong on the internet.

9. Sleep deprivation: A

Get ready for me to rock your world - newborns need constant care! Even overnight! You can't just have one and then sleep all night! Brand new information, right? Well, it's kind of what we signed up for when we decided to become parents, so excuse me if I don't write a whole post where I'm a whiny little bitch about it. Besides, I'd much rather stare at this face at 3am than just be up with pregnancy insomnia (or general insomnia), or taking my temperature while I was trying to get pregnant.

Not that he sleeps in that hat.

10. The shock of how great a dad my husband is: F

Stick with me. Yeah, he's pretty awesome in general, and exceptionally so at this dad thing so far.

The thing is, the overall tone on these posts is one of shock and awe at this revelation. The fact that he's an incredible father warms my heart, sure, but it doesn't surprise me. Granted, his good looks are mainly the reason I married him, but knowing he'd eventually be a top notch baby daddy was a consideration as well. I feel like there's a lot of low expectations for husbands in the blog world.

11. Eating my placenta: E for EWWWWW

That's nasty, and I'm judging you for it. Sorry I'm not sorry. We need a cute baby palate cleanser now.

Getting his hearing test. (He passed!)

Actually, eating placenta is so nasty we need double baby to get it out of our heads.
 Choose a smug blogger edict to grade yourself on. You don't even have to be a teacher! In blogging, everyone is an expert on anything they want to be.


  1. No pictures of the placenta? F

  2. I really wish your mom had come to cook for me after leif came!

  3. Yay! Honest and fun. Love it. I hope you are getting some rest squeezed in so recovery is smooth. Resting is a difficult task for a new mom!

  4. I'm just waiting for the day you get onto twitter and tweet-bitch about everything your inconvenient kid(s) do that are preventing you from having your ideal motherhood experience. Spitting up? Clearly you're not really a mom unless you instagram that shit and bitch about how your newborn doesn't have better aim. Vague, passive-aggressive comments? NAILED IT.

  5. Hahah this entire thing has me dying!! Glad you finally shed those 6 lb 14oz of dead weight-- they were truly holding you back. And whining about not sleeping? Who does that?!! ;)

  6. You sound like you really got it together for just having a baby. I wasn't nearly this together after having mine. And he is sooo cute!

  7. Haha, this is the cutest blog post. Your writing is always so much fun to read.

    My kiddo was super hairy at birth, too - forehead, arms, back... I'd never seen such a hairy little baby. They don't stay like that, in case you were wondering. Mine's almost six now, and while he does grow some mean sideburns, his body hair is all blond.

  8. Aww, you look really good in that 41 weeks picture! I'm calling you out because you had to wash something for your hair/skin to look that good.

    And keep those baby/dad pictures coming. I'm a sucker for those.

  9. Constantly saying how I love healthy treats: F because frozen yogurt is not the same as ice cream. I ate oreos for dinner last night too so life is awesome.

    I can totally understand wanting to get back to pre-pregnancy weight but it annoys me to no end when bloggers keep saying it doesn't matter when it obviously does. Own up to it!

  10. Holy crap your baby has long eyelashes!! He's so freakin' adorable!

  11. OK, I just wandered over to your blog from It's a Dog Lick Baby World, but as a fellow new mom, I am loving this post, and your totally normal and sane parenting talk. This report card thing is so true, too. I feel informally judged by everyone who asks me about my kid. Oh, a "natural birth", good job. Wait, you only made it a week into breastfeeding and you are not making all of your own baby food? You are the worst mother EVARRR!!

    Your baby is also super adorable. Congratulations!


Thanks for commenting! Comments make me probably more happy than they should.