Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Parenthood - the unexpected (but no poop stories)

So while I do mainly mock and ridicule blog and social media posts, one that I kind of like is what people find is unexpected about life as a parent. So here's some stuff.

1. I'm a billion degrees

Before I was pregnant, I was the freak show shivering in a sweatshirt in August. Being pregnant pretty much caught me up to the temperature of those around me. Today, I went to the grocery store in a tank top and shorts and was totally comfortable. As I looked around in the checkout line, I realized everyone else was in pants, long sleeves, and occasionally jackets. So that's different.

2. I thought I did strength training while pregnant to prepare to constantly carry my baby

I was wrong. What I really needed those bicep curls for was to arm wrestle my baby. I thought the Twilight series was just a guilty pleasure, but it turns out they were right about newborns having superior strength. The other thing about newborns that I've learned is that they fight their own survival. This kid will yank his food source out of his mouth and start sucking his fist instead, and no amount of explanation from us will convince him that no nutrition is available that way. You would think it would be easy for me, as an adult, to just take his fist away, but no. It is not easy.

Looks innocent, but he's secretly a bodybuilder.
3. Babies don't read

Specifically, the baby books and the baby item product reviews. Kara was nice enough to pass down her Rock and Play. It's the Rolls Royce of baby beds. In fact, if you google ways to help a two week old sleep, like 95% of the responses say to buy a Rock and Play. Try it. Dalton isn't so convinced, and really prefers to sleep on one of us. I can't really blame him though, his father is renowned for his hugs.

They are both pretty awesome.

4. The night is dark and filled with (even worse) terrors

I went into pregnancy with a crippling fear of needles, and I got out of it with five tries to put an IV in and a needle in my spine and I didn't completely succumb to panic. I was patting myself on the back for becoming slightly less phobic due to all those blood draws in the past nine months. Well, the joke was on me, because it turns out that things can get much worse than dealing with a fear of needles getting stuck into you. After pregnancy, people want to stick needles into your baby.

I haven't even really dealt with it yet. He got his post-birth tests/blood draws when I was cracked out on morphine and didn't even know what was happening. Then he got his follow up PKU test last week, and I left and hid in the bathroom and ran the water so I couldn't hear anything (Eric stayed). I might do the same for the one month vaccines. I realize this is a prime opportunity for people to say "just wait until ___", and I realize I will have to deal with it someday, but today is not that day.

5. I don't need to know lullabies

One of the weird ass things I got nervous about towards the end of pregnancy was not knowing any songs to sing Dalton to sleep. It turns out babies don't care, and you can sing Katy Perry instead of Rock a Bye baby, and it works just fine.

6. I don't always hate physical contact

I'm renowned for hating hugs, and generally touching of any kind. Two people sent me this article. But I often have to force myself to stop hugging and cuddling this guy. I never want to not be snuggling with him.

He's just so squishy and kissable.
7. Not all infants are boring.

They're all so cute. But let's face it - as great as it is to hold other people's kids, they don't do much. Especially at this age. Adorable, but not interesting. Unless it's your own kid. Then every yawn, sneeze, and blink is fascinating. Really. I have actually watched a video of him hiccupping when I missed him while he was sleeping. This one isn't technically that unexpected, because I'm the same way with my nephew. I'm including it though because it was something that concerned me before I became an aunt.

8. Mommy brain is worse than pregnancy brain

This is also something people warned me about, but I'm including it anyway because if you actually listen to everything people warn you about while pregnant you'll definitely lose your mind. I'm also including it because the actual #8 came to me while I was working on this post, and I grabbed my phone to record it in the notes section with the rest of the items on the list. Literally by the time I unlocked the phone I had lost the thought, and I swear I do not just throw the word "literally" around unless I mean it.

9. I became a caricature of a mom. It happened before I expected.

I got really brave today and we went for our first outing (a walk down our street) just the two of us, mother and son. I got the diaper changed, put Dalton in a fresh, cute outfit, and brought the baby carrier out and started to put it on, announcing "ok, we're all ready to go on our walk!". Yeah, one of us wasn't ready. One of us was in a spit up stained nursing tank, pajama shorts, and had hair sticking up like a cartoon character who just stuck a finger in an outlet. Full disclosure - I put on a headband and pants, but the spit up tank remained.

I had another one about poop but there's enough of that on the internet, and I wouldn't want someone blogging about my bathroom habits, so maybe I should give my kid the same consideration.

Unrelated - if you are interested in reading and reviewing my aunt's book (I posted about it yesterday), or really, if you don't know if you are interested, you can read the first chapter on her blog. It's a fantastic dystopian novel.

What was unexpected about a major life change for you?



  1. Early on I realized I'd be lucky to go anywhere without spit up on my clothes.

  2. Mike likes to make up songs about leif to the tune of pop songs. Leif loves it.

    I hate physical contact too, but babies are different. Well my own baby is different.

    It's amazing how interesting you can find your own baby even when they do nothing.

  3. If I ever had a baby (which I think we can all agree will never happen at this point) I would so sing Katy Perry to him or her!

  4. I can't get over his little face!!

  5. I was thinking of this post while at the store today. I was wearing a tank top and capris and I was wearing my baby. Spit up on my entire outfit. I ran into a friend who was wearing pants, boots, and a wool coat. Lol

  6. I remember having a spit up threshold. Like a certain percentage of my shirt had to have spit up to make me feel the need to change it. Except for those really bad ones when they launch spit up down your cleavage to your belly buttons.

    I think I just solved my own baby fever.

    1. can you solve mine? cause I would totally sign up for that.

  7. Night sweats were probably my least favorite thing! Ugh.

    I've really enjoyed reading your posts on new motherhood! I'm impressed how well you've been able to collect your thoughts. I wish id written more about those first weeks, but you've brought it all back for me (in a good way), if that doesn't sound ridiculous coming from someone with a 3 month old!


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