Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Remembering is hard

People told me that once I had a baby I wouldn't be able to remember/imagine life without him. I had a problem with that because mathematically, it just didn't make sense.

He's cute and all, but not a Men in Black style mind eraser.

Even if I counted the time I was pregnant as "with" him, which I don't, I had 30.5 years under my belt as a non parent. Somehow, it turned out to be kind of true though. I mean, I can obviously remember my life just fine, but it does seem like a million years ago that I was pregnant and we were a family of two, not just LAST MONTH. In fact, there are a whole bunch of things that I feel like I actually can't really remember or just seem ridiculous (I just have stuff I want to say so I'm pretending it has a theme).

I can barely remember:

1. Weird pregnancy anxiety things

I guess it's not that weird but when I was pregnant I kept thinking "I love sleep SO MUCH how am I going to deal with a crying baby waking me up all the time?". And it would be incredibly annoying having a stranger constantly interrupting your sleep, which is what I imagined, because he was a stranger at that time. But once the baby is born, he's not a stranger anymore, and it's not some random baby needing my attention at 3am, it's a member of my family that I'm happy/desperate to help. I'm not saying I won't be excited when way down the line I get a full night of sleep. I might not even be saying anything that makes sense. But past pregnant me would have been relieved to read that yes, of course it's exhausting, but not terrible getting up with your own precious tiny baby. Now when he's older, that might be a whole different story, but we're still solidly in the time where it's completely expected so that's how I feel at this moment. I was also scared that I wouldn't bond with Dalton and I think I've documented here that that has been far from true.

2. Doing things two handed

Kind of a lie because I am typing two handed now, but I've learned to let go of the expectation that it's a given and I've learned to do so much one handed. I can brush my teeth with just my non dominant hand now.

3. Being full

When Dalton was in my belly I sometimes felt Thanksgiving dinner level full on half a sandwich. Now that he's on the outside and I am actually "eating for two", being full is a thing of the past. I just pack snacks anywhere I go and accept that the best I can hope for is "less hungry".

4. Laying on my belly

The whole thing is still very tender to the touch and I steer clear. Someday, I will experience that joy again.

5. Kicks in my belly

I legitimately forgot what these feel like immediately! I just made my friend let me feel her baby's butt through her belly to try to bring it back. Is this normal? It's so sad!

6. Wearing different outfits

A nursing tank top, yoga pants and my Charm City Run Christmas gift, a Brooks jacket that I was smart enough to get in a size up in case I finally ever got pregnant has been my daily uniform. I could theoretically wear other shirts but then nursing gets more complicated. When he was first born I could wear dresses and that opened up my wardrobe quite a bit. Now it's too cold out unless I get all fancy with tights. But then I have to wear real shoes and not my Northface flip flops that I have literally worn every single day since the school year began with the exception of the day I went into labor when I was getting observed by a billion people. Maybe I'm fooling myself because I don't want to face wearing pants in a larger size but I did try on one pair of pants that zip and button (fat pants, clearly) and it was very uncomfortable. Girls say they have nothing to wear and it's an exaggeration usually, but this time, nope.

7. Being active

I've actually kind of gotten to the point where I miss running. The problem is I feel confident that how I remember it and how it will actually be are not one and the same. Not the same at all. The thought that I ever once ran 26.2 or more miles at once is mind boggling. I can't imagine running one now.
From the days when I ran ten mile races like it was NBD.

A picture with ALL THE SPORTS seemed fitting here

8. Contractions

I most certainly do remember these but the memory is starting to slightly fade and become less vivid, which will only continue as proven by the fact that multiple child families exist. I still shudder at the thought but it's not quite at the Theon Greyjoy/Reek level of horror that it was.
Cute baby palate cleanser needed after remembering those awful scenes from season 3.

That time it was cold out and I thought maybe he was big enough for his adorable little baby peacoat.

9. Not waking up in a panic like when you miss your alarm and you wake up ten minutes after you were supposed to leave

The first week home one of us woke up and frantically searched the bed for the baby at least ten times per night, certain we'd fallen asleep with him and lost him in the bedsheets. Knock on wood, this never actually happened, every time he was safely sleeping in his own bed next to us. I hear this is quite common, though. We both still wake up with a start no matter what because IS THE BABY OK ANYTHING COULD HAVE HAPPENED WHILE ASLEEP. Now that he is occasionally starting to have some longer stretches of sleep, it's even more frightening. The first time we woke him up to eat and good lord was that a mistake. The next time I just stared at him and googled "four week old asleep ___ hours" and finally posted it in the mommy FB group and of course even at 3:30am I got immediate answers and the unanimous response was "go back to sleep yourself".

I feel obligated to note due to annoying internet mommy bragging that this is not me saying "look at my one month old sleeping through the night bitches!" or anything of the sort. I don't even know what qualifies as "night" right now, his whole life is just a series of eating and sleeping. This is just referring to times he slept a bit longer than other times and my crazy paranoid new mom reaction. It's not just me though. The other day Eric came out of the shower while I had Dalton in the bouncer "watching" me cook dinner in the kitchen. He came racing into the kitchen demanding "WHERE IS HE" and I was like "um look down". His initial reaction was apparently not only thinking that I lost the baby, but that my next move was "well, dinner sure ain't gonna cook itself".
What did you think you would never forget but now find you can barely remember?


  1. Oh dear, that pic of him in all his football regalia is too cute!

  2. This baby has the cutest wardrobe I've ever seen. I will be sorry when he grows too big to wear all those cute things and just has to wear regular boy clothes...

  3. Lol you miss the baby movements? I thank the lord everyday that I'm not pregnant.

  4. That grey hat with the ears is Ah-Dorable. Baby winter hats are pretty much my favorite these days.
    I've basically forgotten the first week to 10 days after the baby was born at this point. It is all a vague haze of sleep deprivation.

  5. Dalton is too cute! He also has a winning wardrobe that only contributes to the cute-factor.

    I can't tell you how great it is to be able to lay on my back and on my belly- I missed that so much toward the end!

  6. Kids don't just mess with the minds of mommies. My husband has some weird mental blocks thanks to our kids. He swears that he doesn't remember them as infants...his memories start with them crawling around and eating solid foods and stuff. And I'm all, "Remember when they slept on your chest and we bathed them in a tiny inflatable duck?" And he's like, "Nope."

  7. Are those football baby legs? So cute!
    Within the first few weeks I would wake up and think I fell asleep with the baby in bed but he'd always be in his bassinet. I didn't even nurse him in bed so it was weird. One night I even carried the body pillow out of the bed thinking it was the baby.


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