An incomplete list of how pregnant bloggers annoy me

Happy Father's Day! I'm lucky enough to have a wonderful father, stepfather, father-in-law, and husband soon to be baby daddy. But enough about that, I have some serious problems with things I've found on the internet that need to be addressed.

Now that I'm going through this wild pregnancy ride, I've started seeking out/actually reading blogs written by fellow pregnant women, because I like comparing experiences and whatever. It's made me really grateful that I have friends in real life who are/recently have been pregnant, because most of these blogs are annoying and full of insanity. If you haven't read any, I'll be happy to provide some links so you can also read with a WTF face and appreciate this post.  Here's a few of the more grievous offences I take issue with.

1. "The baby wanted it".

This justification is generally used for craving anything other than kale or broccoli and followed with a picture of something indulgent, like fries or a milkshake. The baby obviously didn't want it, but that's beside the point. You don't need a justification to eat something fattening. Just eat it. And shut up about it. Or post a picture to make others jealous. But stop acting like you need to remind people that you have some special permission.

2. The weekly check ins.

Is it really necessary to share that you have the same food aversions that you've had for the last 11 weeks? Or to use the word "constipation" referring to yourself on a public blog? Or include the sex of the baby every single week (I'm no scientist, but I was under the impression that it doesn't change throughout pregnancy).

This type of post reads to me like a list of complaints about the pregnancy. They used to really piss me off when I wanted to be pregnant and was consumed with jealousy, and they still do now that I'm here. Obviously there's plenty of stuff about pregnancy that's annoying but typing them all out together just seems a little much. Just whine to your husband and tell him to bring you some ice cream and eat it without posting on Instagram about how the baby wanted it along with 14 other hashtags.

I'll admit I wanted to do posts like this in some sort of private journal, just for myself, but I'm at week 25 and about 24 weeks behind on that.

3. The "I'm not fat, I'm knocked up!" workout attire

I think they usually actually say something like "running for two" or whatever. I've posted about this before, although I have a tiny bit more sympathy for them now. That's only because I'm a lot bigger now and I'm past the point of wearing all those unisex race shirts that were formerly way too big to exercise in (but seriously ladies, if you want a family, save those). I get the idea of wanting something long and stretchy to cover your belly. But some larger Ross Dress for Less tops are doing the trick for me for now, for a lot less money.

OMG I just looked it up and it's FIFTY FREAKING DOLLARS for one stupid tank top. Strangers can just think I'm fat and frumpy in my $6 discount bin XXL shirt that doesn't perfectly emphasize my bump and have writing explaining I'm with child in case that's not enough. Get real.

4. The five part series on "here's how I told everyone and anyone in my life the news!"

I swear that Pinterest is the downfall of our society. You can't just TELL people things anymore, or at least that's the impression the internet is trying so hard to get me to believe. All these blogs I read have these elaborate schemes of telling the husband he's about to be a father, most horrifyingly by attaching the positive pregnancy test to food, but plenty of other stupid ways sneak in there too. Here's how big life changes shake out in in the Lindsey household.

Engagement: Eric gave me a ring and asked me to be his wife.
Bridesmaids: I called them and asked them to be in my wedding.
Telling Eric I was pregnant: I told him I was pregnant.
Telling our families: Telling them they were about to have a grandchild/cousin/whatever the relation would be.
Sharing the sex: We said "IT'S A BOY!" on the phone or in a text.

Maybe I'm crazy, but these things are pretty exciting on their own, I don't think they need a scavenger hunt or craft or whatever to make them extra special. The NEWS ITSELF is the special part. Also, a lot of these blogs include video of telling the grandparents or whoever. We actually did take a video of telling my parents, but I would never share it on a blog, because it's not for strangers. It just seems way too over the top to share things that should be private anyway.

5. Saving pregnancy tests

This actually came to my attention from a Facebook post. Is this a thing? Tons of people commented how they still had their positive test, with kids who were like, 3. Sorry, but once I pee on something, that item becomes trash, not a memento. Look, I totally get that it signifies a life changing moment, I'm not a heartless monster. I think back on seeing that first positive test all the time and feel complete and utter joy, even if my first reaction was just to go tell my husband, not get out the laptop and search for cute ways to tell my husband on pinterest. But I don't actually need the test for that, I can just use this amazing thing called my memory.

6. "Baby X and I ran this race/saw this movie/did this thing"

No, you did that thing. You can say you did whatever activity with the baby when the baby arrives. Until then, you are just you.

7. The post about "How I handled my changing body" or some very similar title

Melodramatic whining/advice about how to be at peace with the big belly, higher number on the scale, clothes not fitting, etc, etc. These are not problems. You have another freaking person in you, so yeah, your size 2 pants won't fit. There's a lot of surprise pregnancy symptoms, as I'm discovering. These are not among them. Shut up.

8. The hashtags

Posting a picture of your belly and sneakers and Garmin with 12 variations of the #fitpregnancy hashtags is annoying enough. But now there seems to be a trend of posting random stuff on Instagram with all these hashtags that doesn't even make sense, it's not even a workout or anything. Also, you are not an "inspiration" for your baby by working out during pregnancy. Great for you if it works out to be active, but let's not pretend a fetus is impressed with your devotion to #healthy living #fitpregnancy #fitmama #mamalete #motherrunner #runningfortwo


This is clearly an incomplete list, I haven't even mentioned nursery tours or birth plans. But maybe I'll do a part two later this summer when I get working on those. Actually, my birth plan is already done, but I'll feel more qualified to comment on others once we take the childbirth class.

It appears it got wet - I'll be sure to laminate it and lock it in the safe from now on.

Please comment on any or all of these, because I'm sure we've all read a pregnant blog/had a pregnant Facebook friend/have known someone pregnant. And seriously, saving the pregnancy tests - is this a thing I don't know about?