Thursday, April 4, 2013

Whole30, we'd like to punch you in the face

We finished our trip to Ohio with a wild Tuesday night out at the Toledo casino.

Now, I'm not a gambler, I don't really enjoy gambling. If I'm going to fork over large amounts of cash and not receive anything tangible in return, I expect the privilege of waking up at the ass crack of dawn to run for 4+ hours.

But since one of the best things about family is you get spoiled like a little kid again, my MIL gave us each a little gambling cash to blow.

I would so go back to being 9 years old if I could.
We were enjoying playing the slot machines. 
This did not yield us any green.

Then, I found the money spot.

Yep, I phrased it that way on purpose.

I won over $12, ended up $.45 over where I began, and called it quits. 

 The downer came at our 10pm dinner (this is a normal time to eat when you don't wake up before 10am). We were at a cute little restaurant in the middle of the casino, with things on the menu like nachos, awesome burgers, "Bailey's brownie sunday" and "chocolate martini", and what did I get? A freaking bunless burger and steamed broccoli. Eric and I were about ready to punch Whole30 in the face.

Whole30 is supposed to be this magical experience, and from what I hear, for everyone else, it is. I did it partially to improve my marathon time by eliminating sugar, cleaning up my diet overall, and drop a few pounds to get to "race weight", whatever that is. But I was really hoping to reap some of the other benefits that the book touts, like better sleep, tons of energy, no more sugar cravings, and clear skin.

And I even know people in real life who have experienced this stuff! Not just bloggers I've met, but people who don't have blogs, and maybe don't even read blogs! Hard to imagine, I know, but they exist. 

Well, it's day 18, and I need Melatonin to sleep and coffee to wake up just as much as ever. Sure, my last couple runs have felt strong, but it's impossible to tell if I can thank Whole30 or spring break for that. My skin still looks like shit. I really hate to post that, because I don't like curse on the blog, and because it's like saying "my ass looks fat", which just draws attention to something people probably wouldn't have even noticed on their own. But I need the bad language to really drive the point home, and obviously that's what instagram filters are for. 

The sugar cravings are still long, strong, and down to get the friction on, which is why I was mainlining cashew butter at like 11pm last night. Yes, I am fully aware of how pathetic that sounds, so I'd like to take this opportunity to remind everyone that I married the captain of the football and wrestling team, aka modern day A.C. Slater.

Turns out a google image search for the actual modern day A.C. Slater was a brilliant idea
So, that's where I am. I woke up this morning hungry and desperately wanting to just freaking get up and pour a bowl of cereal like a normal person, instead of making a big production cooking a fancy compliant meal, and I couldn't console myself by admiring my beautiful skin in the mirror. Also, speaking of compliant, to the best of my knowledge, we have executed this without any deviation. I haven't had a single taste of anything off limits, not a breath mint, not a piece of gum, not even green peppers on our carefully researched Chipotle salads last night, because they are cooked in soybean oil. 

We're absolutely finishing out the last 12 days, and maybe I'll change my tune. If not, expect the rant of a lifetime on April 17, that is, if I can type with all the pizza and ice cream that will be covering my hands.

Have you ever done a fad diet? Did it live up to expectations?

Are you a gambler?


  1. No fad diets here. My "diet" is moderation (and not buying cheez-its, lest I eat the entire box at once).

    I'm also not a gambler. Me and money have a love/hate relationship. I do, however, hope to win the lottery some day, having not actually bought a ticket. That's possible, right?

  2. As much as I don't want you to feel like shit and hate the diet...I REALLY want to read that rant.

    1. Oh I don't feel like shit! I feel great. Just not any more or less great than normal. If that makes sense.

  3. I love the slots. Like too much. However, I've only ever come out on top, so I think I might change my mind the day I lose money. About to have one of mom's Salted Chocolate Hazelnut Caramel cupcakes, and since I will probably have two today, that's like being on a cupcake binge diet right?

  4. I have never done a fad diet, but I have mocked many of them. I have a hard enough paying attention to my food to avoid dairy now. I can't imagine avoiding a whole list of shit.

    Pregnancy cleared up my skin, just FYI :)

    1. Yes, pregnancy cleared my skin up too

  5. No fad diets here. No way will I be able to focus that much on details. I do enough avoiding fake sugars and corn syrup and ramping up the freggies.

    And now that I read it, Kara is right, my skin was awesome when I was pregnant!

  6. You need my sugar free brownies. With whipped coconut cream and melted unsweetened chocolate.

  7. I've never been able to buy enough into a diet to fully complete it. I did do the Abs Diet for about a week once but then I got really hungry for dessert. I should try it again sometime. I don't think I could ever do Whole30, too restrictive.
    I hope you start seeing some positive results!

  8. You should not underestimate people's ability to spot a whooty without you pointing it out. If that were the case, it wouldn't be a whooty.

  9. I find your rants really funny :) no idea why, just do!

  10. You know, even mice are susceptible to the placebo effect. Humans are even worse.

  11. So this diet isn't prep for Cherry Pit. Are you racing something on the 16th that the diet is prep for?

  12. The part about forking over large amts of cash for nothing...bahahahaha

    I thoroughly enjoy your Whole 30-induced ragey rants. Please stick with this diet for my entertainment purposes anyway.


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